just something simple I made for Election Night '08 at NKU


Election Night '08 from Austin Dressman on Vimeo.

Grocery - Test Footage Canon XL1 from Austin Dressman on Vimeo.

You know what I love...

...when the people living above me play celine dion really loud from 9pm-11pm. Then it sounds like they all run from one end of their dorm to the other. I really want to meet them...

Hm, I actually wrote a poem...

**This started out as something else, but soon turned into verse, and then I changed where it was going halfway through. But I think it still works.


I am vulnerable, to anything.
At this point in my life
The winds sway me in the way they will
The jet streams lift me into oblivion

Politics are virtuous
And labels are an identity
Confidence is ambivalent
A knock at the door is the promise of change
Money is the answer
to all of life's problems
Friends always leave
Loved ones always die

Love is unachievable
An impossible ideal of modern man
It exists only in dreams
Love is no battlefield
And is was not made for me and you
Love loves no one
But everyone loves love

But I was borne along by dreams
Of God's particular grace for me
It's bittersweet scent leads me on
On an impossible quest for fulfillment
The trek seems never ending
Oh! But love is so close!
I can feel the warmth of its presence
The touch of its company
Love can be seen from my distance
It's rays of hope gleam like embers

The jets streams sway
And I am falling
Falling from the sky
Landing on solid ground
But I have seen Love
Love is not dead
The jet streams sway

Out of Focus

I failed a geology test today, mixed up the viscous properties of mafic and felsic magma. Really, who cares. It's all hot fire-y liquid when it explodes out of a volcano, just stay away from it. That's the true "property" of magma.

Have you ever stared at an object and slowly let your eye sight shift out of focus? You're left with the sight of this blurry, surreal surrounding. It made me feel like I was viewing life from this imaginary window, my problems seemed to stay behind the glassy illusion. I sat like this, staring off into space for some time, thinking of all the things I needed/wanted to do. I had to study harder for my next geology test, study for a media lit exam, write a paper, start on my speech, make the short film, call the Northerner reporter back about the film society, figure out how to ask Rachel out on a second date (and how to "win" her over), work more hours so I'm not broke from buying my new camera, and so on.
And then I just stopped. I've slipped into mindsets like this before. I'm not going to let it happen again. Because when I do, I let myself pity myself, my confidence goes down, and I write self-deprecating blogs like I have so many times before.
I told myself to smile, forcing the muscles in my face to make the all too familiar shape. And you know what, it worked. I immediately felt better.
It could just be that I envisioned what I looked like from someone elses point of view, staring off into space for five minutes, eyes glazed over, and then flashing a painful half-grin.
But I think it was the fact that I didn't let that mindset go any further into my judgment. I cut it off before it could distort any more thoughts.

Life is good.

I'm so tired of politics. So, so tired. I used to enjoy them but I'm not sure how I ever did. I loathe hearing about it unless its something funny. It just pains me to see how fake both Obama and McCain are. And I can't bear to hear any more about either of them. But at the same time, I can't see how they could be any other way. I'm not usually the cynic, quite the opposite in fact, but no "good" person will ever get far in politics in this day and age. There are too many checkpoints along the way that dehumanize you to the point where you're on par with that ab roller on QVC. Merely a product being sold door to door, television to television. I just don't care anymore. But I still value my vote, so I'm feeling pretty conflicted right now.

Ladle of My Life

I was really taking the title of this blog seriously until I read it out loud...oh well, it stays.

I critique myself on a daily basis. I get this out of body sensation, viewing myself as someone else. I make a comment about something funny someone said earlier in the day, immediately regretting it because the laugh from my peers is a polite chuckle, not the burst of laughter and pats on the back I was expecting.

No matter how hard I try, I always put too much salad dressing on my lunch side salad. A full ladle should be fine. When I get to the bottom of the bowl, soggy lettuce drenched in dressing. It seems like there is a pretty obvious solution to this debacle, go for a half ladle. But then you have to factor in how much lettuce you put in the bowl. A dry salad that lacks that adequate hint of dressing can put a damper on anyone's lunch. Solution: croutons and carrots. I now go for the full ladle because the carrots and croutons use up more dressing. Case closed.

I recently watched my friend Brian ask a girl to dance with him during a concert. I envy his shameless confidence with girls. Half of the girls like it, half don't. But I think it would nice to have every once and a while.

Math Problems

That acid feeling in the pit of my soul aches with pleasure at the sight of a girl I don't even know.
A* M*.
I don't even know if that's how you spell her name. I've only heard it when attendance is called in Intermediate Algebra 095 every Tuesday and Thursday at 3:45 pm. The attraction is based solely off appearance: plaid dresses and cuffed jeans...all topped off with this subtly beautiful brunette hair. I'd like to think that since she's in the low math class with me, she hates math just as much as I do, and she's more into English and the arts, like I am. That's wishful thinking.
I really don't think I'll even care that much if she says no when I muster up the courage to ask her out. I look at it more as an obstacle I need to overcome, my timidness. But who knows, maybe she'll say yes and over coffee I'll find out she's a really great person.

Hey! It's A*, right?
Yeah?
Oh hey...I don't normally do this but I just wanted to let you know that I really like your style. You always just look really cool when ever I see you in class.
Oh...why thank you.
Ah well I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask if you'd ever want to go get some coffee or something sometime?
Yeah sure!
When's good for you?

I played that scenario through my head throughout the entire class. I even have a plan in the event that she has a boyfriend. When class ended, I waited so that I left a little ways behind her, but then she got a call on her cell phone before I could ask.

I'll ask her next time.

If you havin' girl problems I feel bad for you son...

I've always loved that scene from eternal sunshine when Joel is in the diner.
"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention?
If only I could meet someone new. I guess my chances of that happening are somewhat diminished, seeing that I'm incapable of making eye contact with a woman I don't know."

It just captures so much of who he is, and I feel like I can relate so much. I've had that exact experience. Any girl that takes notice of me is a potential love interest. Most of the time I screw it up somehow. See, I'm a very fickle person in that department. Every once and a while, one of those girls who takes notice of me actually starts to develop feelings for me. Then I get a little scared and distance myself, I become more critical, telling myself that they're not my type.
Part of me wishes I could just get into relationships like normal people do. But then again, since I'm so particular, maybe that means I'll know the instant I meet someone who perfectly fits the mold.

The one relationship I always go back to was my first. Sophomore year with Emily Culp. It was the most fulfilling relationship I've ever been in. I wouldn't say it was love, but it was one instance when I just clicked with someone. I spend my days now trying to replicate that feeling.
I'm not still interested in Emily Culp, it's just that relationship that I try to recreate.
I am obviously no relationship expert so I'm not sure if this is healthy or not, but I always look for girls that make up for my shortfalls. Someone who I can create a balance with. Someone who fits this one sided puzzle piece.

Plants and Animals is great background music for writing. I really like their sound. It's so refreshing to write so openly like this. I have been putting off homework for the entirety of the day so when I get bored with browsing the internet or watching tv, I resort to writing. I like this. I feel like I can breathe easier.

Cinematic Sensations

I love when I have cinematic moments. I leave for work while listening to some escalating movie score and I imagine myself as the main character in a movie where someone or something is chasing me. I imagine a gunman entering a public place, threatening the lives of everyone while I, crouching out of sight, wait for the assailant to turn his back so I can take him down and save the day. I see a swift moving crane shot of me sitting on a park bench. I see a girl I like and I imagine our life together, my heart beat escalating.
Yesterday, hurricane force winds caused massive power outages around the greater Cincinnati area. I left home to go back to my dorm later that night. I drove down a familiar road I had never seen before. The normally bustling suburban commercial districts were invisible against the thick of the night. The only lights were those of the cars on the other side of the highway. Every other highway exit was a line of cars that lead to the sirens and flashing lights surrounding an accident (the street lights were out). I imagined myself in an "end of the world" scenario. This cinematic sensation was only fueled by the digital highway signs, still in power, that were flashing Amber alerts for a white male in a grey Cutlass. Still caught up in the moment, I realized I was low on gas. No gas stations were open due to the power. I was going to run out of gas, forced to walk the night in complete darkness.
For the duration of my drive, the world was flipped on its side. All rational thinking was thrown out the door. I was in a movie, a movie in which I, Austin Dressman, would brave the eternal darkness equipped only with my iPod and a traffic flair. I would find this grey Cutlass, kick some pedophille ass, and return the abductee to her family safe and sound.

My life really is a movie.

Whew.

It's been a while since I've written...anything. I use writing primarily as a way to "get things out". And when I get comfortable in my current state, I have no reason to write.
I'd like to change that, but for now, I need to rant.

Think beginning voice over monologue in Spike Jonze's Adaptation...

I spent 2 1/2 hours on facebook last night, I didn't start the paper I was planning to write, and I can't seem to get out of my head.
I sometime think I'm becoming those statistics I laughed at at college orientation, "80% of students felt 'very sad' at numerous times of their first year". I'm not 'very sad' or even sad for that matter. I just feel "uncomfortable", getting used to things.
I worry so much about what others think of me. I'm constantly trying to mold myself into a presentable human being only to come off as awkward and funny at confrontations. I worry that if I ever truly love someone, I'll scare them away because of how passionate I am about them...within the first few weeks of the relationship. I listen to film soundtracks and expect brilliant script ideas to just come to me, sometime I think they do, but I never expand on them and eventually loose confidence.
I run everyday now and try to eat healthier but I still want to loose more weight. I feel like if I do that, I can cut out that whole body image part of my internal thoughts.
I feel like I am so naive to the world. People my age have experienced death, poverty, sex, drugs, divorced parents. I'm not wishing any of this upon myself, or anyone else but I do feel guilty when I complain about my self to my self.

I ran 28 laps around the health center track listening to Nick Cave.
ha, I just wanted to say that.

I glanced back on what I just wrote and realized how many I's there were. I need to stop being so into myself and learn to just LIVE. I need to love everyone, throw myself out into the open and experience all that life has to offer.

ah, see, I already feel better. I think it should just be mandatory for me to write a blog like this every once and I while. When I read this it just seems so ridiculous, and that's exactly what it is. To be able to read some of the thoughts that have passed through my mind recently is humbling. I should probably work on better rationalizing thoughts in my mind.
I internalize everything, it's just who I am I guess.

Ode to the Scheben Branch

This protruding thought clouds my mind.
The thought of moving from the compact Scheben library to the new, bigger, industrious Burlington branch sounds pretty bland and mundane on the surface. But there's so much more to it. I find myself playing sad-sounding indie songs behind a corny montage of my 4 years spent working at Scheben as a Page. I'm moving so I can be closer to NKU, where I'll be living next year. It's like an early graduation [I started working there at the beginning of Freshman year]. I'm moving on. Moving on from the place I listened to hundreds of hours of podcasts. The place I started at listening to MXPX and MCR and eventually grew to appreciate Yann Tiersen and The Turnbull AC's.
The Scheben library was a refuge. A place that remained constant in the weekly routine of school and homelife. I knew that two times a week, and occasionally weekends, I would be there.
The path between the towering book shelves I've walked through so many times hold years of my thoughts and ambitions. Letters to forgotten summer loves, lists of goals and "to do's", and sparse pages of self pity and realization. All glimpses into the hormonal raw emotion that has collected over the years on the backs of scrap paper and loose leaf.
I know, I'm romanticizing a brick building that sits next to a Krogers. But the thought of leaving the place I spent 15 hours each week for 4 years brings back a surge of memories.
Essentially, no momentous change will have been made in my transition. I'll still be working the same days and hours, walking the the same narrow paths between book shelves while listening to my favorite podcasts. It's just the thought of driving past it on my way to Burlington, working with new people, and not seeing the unknown, yet familiar faces of the regulars at Scheben. It's the beginning of new part of my life. A stop to the normal everyday routine. A new page in my life.

haha I'm sorry but I had to end it on that last line. It's so lame but it fit well.

Monologue: Part Deux

well, after realizing how terrible the grocery monologue was, I decided to write a new one at 12 am the night before I was to present it to the class.
It was about the time I spent 8 hours alone in Gate 7 of Reagan International (I was on standby).

It begins like this:
"I sat on a cream colored sofa in the Washington D.C. Hilton waiting for a cab."

And it ends like this:
"He didn't seem to care about the wait and neither did I."

I wrote it down and I don't feel like typing it out so that's all you're going to get...


Alright, well I guess that's all. I some more to say but I'm starting a new post.

Grocery

this is a monologue I wrote for Creative Writing...
it will eventually be performed by Brandon Hite in front of the class
keep in mind that this will be more spaced out-longer pauses. He's not just going to read it, he's going to act it out...


It seems like every time I set foot in a grocery store, I’m forced to reckon with an 80s pop rock anthem by Bruce Springsteen or Cher. Cher is just...Cher. And Springsteen I’ve always thought was overrated. I mean really he’s just this average Joe with an average voice, average appearance, average songs, all topped off with a wife-beater. I don’t understand how he...wait, is soup in isle 7 or 8?
Oh yeah, it’s 7. Because last time I was here that old lady lectured me on how Campbells soup destroyed her liver.
Next up is...isle 10 for...oh! Cheap DVD bin! Ok lets see what we have here. Oh, A History of Violence for $9.99. That movie was terrible. David Cronenberg is a sadist. Ok well I guess I’ll be going with Dr. Strangelove then. “Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.” Ah its such a good movie.
Ohhhhh wow. There’s Morgan. Just walk by casually and say you’re “hello’s” and then move on.

“H...Hi...”

Ah well that wasn’t awkward at all. Why did I ever break up with her? I mean I know why I broke up with her - it wasn’t working out. But why do I always pick the wrong ones? I think of myself as a nice person, but look what I did to her. I just left, left her alone. I didn’t even try to be a friend after it was over. She must think I’m such a jerk. God, I am a jerk. I need to eliminate “it’s not you it’s me” from my vocabulary. Why am I so irresponsible in relationships? I just wish they had never happened. Well no, I learned from them. So I guess it’s for the better in the long run.
I need to slow down. I need to put more though into these relationships before I get involved.

*brrrinnnggg*
“Hello? Oh hi mom. What else? Chicken balls? Ohhh...you mean the chicken nugget things. The red bag...yeah. O...O...Ok I’ll be home soon...love you...bye.”

*sighs*

*walks for some time to get the chicken balls*

*picks up the bag to read the front*

* in a southern accent*
“Tyson’s 100% white meat Chicken Balls”

*stares at girl down the isle*

Oh wow. She is attractive. It’s not everyday that you see a girl with a blazer and oh it’s...she has a Alfred Hitchcock t-shirt on! I didn’t even know those existed! Oh wow, ok just act cool. Well not cool like you’re trying to be. Cool like, you come to the chicken balls isle all the time. Noooo that’s weird. Who’s interested in a guy who hangs out in the chicken balls isle. Ok, ok just act normal.
I wonder if she would notice if I glanced at her again. Wow, she is the one. I know it. I mean Alfred Hitchcock shirt my god...it’s just...ok ok I need to calm down. She’s probably like 24 or something. But wow she is stunning.
Come on you don’t even know her. She could be like this feminist neo nazi or something. Ew maybe she likes A History of Violence too. Well as long as she likes Hitchcock I can deal with that. I can just picture us spending a day watching old Hitchcock movies all cuddled up on the couch. Then we would go out for a long walk and talk about life and have long comfortable silences. It would be perfect...and I wouldn’t have to worry about ever hurting her because it would be perfect. She would be there for me and I would be there for her. It would feel so real when as I hold her while we’re people watching in the airport. We would move to Chicago and meet other people who liked Hitchcock and hated A History of Violence and we would make these raw movies about those conversations on life we had on our long walks. I would experience love for the first time.

*breathes heavily, looks at the chicken balls, and then at the girl down the isle*

*he then snaps his head away from her direction as she walks towards him*

She’s coming this way...

*she walks past him and he watches her exit the isle*

*he places the chicken balls in the basket and leaves*