Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Ladle of My Life

I was really taking the title of this blog seriously until I read it out loud...oh well, it stays.

I critique myself on a daily basis. I get this out of body sensation, viewing myself as someone else. I make a comment about something funny someone said earlier in the day, immediately regretting it because the laugh from my peers is a polite chuckle, not the burst of laughter and pats on the back I was expecting.

No matter how hard I try, I always put too much salad dressing on my lunch side salad. A full ladle should be fine. When I get to the bottom of the bowl, soggy lettuce drenched in dressing. It seems like there is a pretty obvious solution to this debacle, go for a half ladle. But then you have to factor in how much lettuce you put in the bowl. A dry salad that lacks that adequate hint of dressing can put a damper on anyone's lunch. Solution: croutons and carrots. I now go for the full ladle because the carrots and croutons use up more dressing. Case closed.

I recently watched my friend Brian ask a girl to dance with him during a concert. I envy his shameless confidence with girls. Half of the girls like it, half don't. But I think it would nice to have every once and a while.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Math Problems

That acid feeling in the pit of my soul aches with pleasure at the sight of a girl I don't even know.
A* M*.
I don't even know if that's how you spell her name. I've only heard it when attendance is called in Intermediate Algebra 095 every Tuesday and Thursday at 3:45 pm. The attraction is based solely off appearance: plaid dresses and cuffed jeans...all topped off with this subtly beautiful brunette hair. I'd like to think that since she's in the low math class with me, she hates math just as much as I do, and she's more into English and the arts, like I am. That's wishful thinking.
I really don't think I'll even care that much if she says no when I muster up the courage to ask her out. I look at it more as an obstacle I need to overcome, my timidness. But who knows, maybe she'll say yes and over coffee I'll find out she's a really great person.

Hey! It's A*, right?
Oh hey...I don't normally do this but I just wanted to let you know that I really like your style. You always just look really cool when ever I see you in class.
Oh...why thank you.
Ah well I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask if you'd ever want to go get some coffee or something sometime?
Yeah sure!
When's good for you?

I played that scenario through my head throughout the entire class. I even have a plan in the event that she has a boyfriend. When class ended, I waited so that I left a little ways behind her, but then she got a call on her cell phone before I could ask.

I'll ask her next time.

Monday, September 15, 2008

If you havin' girl problems I feel bad for you son...

I've always loved that scene from eternal sunshine when Joel is in the diner.
"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention?
If only I could meet someone new. I guess my chances of that happening are somewhat diminished, seeing that I'm incapable of making eye contact with a woman I don't know."

It just captures so much of who he is, and I feel like I can relate so much. I've had that exact experience. Any girl that takes notice of me is a potential love interest. Most of the time I screw it up somehow. See, I'm a very fickle person in that department. Every once and a while, one of those girls who takes notice of me actually starts to develop feelings for me. Then I get a little scared and distance myself, I become more critical, telling myself that they're not my type.
Part of me wishes I could just get into relationships like normal people do. But then again, since I'm so particular, maybe that means I'll know the instant I meet someone who perfectly fits the mold.

The one relationship I always go back to was my first. Sophomore year with Emily Culp. It was the most fulfilling relationship I've ever been in. I wouldn't say it was love, but it was one instance when I just clicked with someone. I spend my days now trying to replicate that feeling.
I'm not still interested in Emily Culp, it's just that relationship that I try to recreate.
I am obviously no relationship expert so I'm not sure if this is healthy or not, but I always look for girls that make up for my shortfalls. Someone who I can create a balance with. Someone who fits this one sided puzzle piece.

Plants and Animals is great background music for writing. I really like their sound. It's so refreshing to write so openly like this. I have been putting off homework for the entirety of the day so when I get bored with browsing the internet or watching tv, I resort to writing. I like this. I feel like I can breathe easier.

Cinematic Sensations

I love when I have cinematic moments. I leave for work while listening to some escalating movie score and I imagine myself as the main character in a movie where someone or something is chasing me. I imagine a gunman entering a public place, threatening the lives of everyone while I, crouching out of sight, wait for the assailant to turn his back so I can take him down and save the day. I see a swift moving crane shot of me sitting on a park bench. I see a girl I like and I imagine our life together, my heart beat escalating.
Yesterday, hurricane force winds caused massive power outages around the greater Cincinnati area. I left home to go back to my dorm later that night. I drove down a familiar road I had never seen before. The normally bustling suburban commercial districts were invisible against the thick of the night. The only lights were those of the cars on the other side of the highway. Every other highway exit was a line of cars that lead to the sirens and flashing lights surrounding an accident (the street lights were out). I imagined myself in an "end of the world" scenario. This cinematic sensation was only fueled by the digital highway signs, still in power, that were flashing Amber alerts for a white male in a grey Cutlass. Still caught up in the moment, I realized I was low on gas. No gas stations were open due to the power. I was going to run out of gas, forced to walk the night in complete darkness.
For the duration of my drive, the world was flipped on its side. All rational thinking was thrown out the door. I was in a movie, a movie in which I, Austin Dressman, would brave the eternal darkness equipped only with my iPod and a traffic flair. I would find this grey Cutlass, kick some pedophille ass, and return the abductee to her family safe and sound.

My life really is a movie.

Monday, September 8, 2008


It's been a while since I've written...anything. I use writing primarily as a way to "get things out". And when I get comfortable in my current state, I have no reason to write.
I'd like to change that, but for now, I need to rant.

Think beginning voice over monologue in Spike Jonze's Adaptation...

I spent 2 1/2 hours on facebook last night, I didn't start the paper I was planning to write, and I can't seem to get out of my head.
I sometime think I'm becoming those statistics I laughed at at college orientation, "80% of students felt 'very sad' at numerous times of their first year". I'm not 'very sad' or even sad for that matter. I just feel "uncomfortable", getting used to things.
I worry so much about what others think of me. I'm constantly trying to mold myself into a presentable human being only to come off as awkward and funny at confrontations. I worry that if I ever truly love someone, I'll scare them away because of how passionate I am about them...within the first few weeks of the relationship. I listen to film soundtracks and expect brilliant script ideas to just come to me, sometime I think they do, but I never expand on them and eventually loose confidence.
I run everyday now and try to eat healthier but I still want to loose more weight. I feel like if I do that, I can cut out that whole body image part of my internal thoughts.
I feel like I am so naive to the world. People my age have experienced death, poverty, sex, drugs, divorced parents. I'm not wishing any of this upon myself, or anyone else but I do feel guilty when I complain about my self to my self.

I ran 28 laps around the health center track listening to Nick Cave.
ha, I just wanted to say that.

I glanced back on what I just wrote and realized how many I's there were. I need to stop being so into myself and learn to just LIVE. I need to love everyone, throw myself out into the open and experience all that life has to offer.

ah, see, I already feel better. I think it should just be mandatory for me to write a blog like this every once and I while. When I read this it just seems so ridiculous, and that's exactly what it is. To be able to read some of the thoughts that have passed through my mind recently is humbling. I should probably work on better rationalizing thoughts in my mind.
I internalize everything, it's just who I am I guess.