Monday, May 17, 2010

This is a call to question

I jump out of my skin and I'm running through a deserted isle in Kroger. I tell myself its to save time, but I know its because I can. It's 2am and I'm getting milk for cereal.

"Welcome to Kroger." Scan. Beep. Bag. Automatic Doors. Night sky.

It's one of those nights where your skin tingles and your sense of being is magnified by a wide starry sky. It's those nights when you call things into question. The big questions that seem so insignificant to anyone but yourself...

When I close my eyes I see a part of myself that I can never get out in the many bumbling words that escape through my lips. I think if someone took all of my words and sent them to a cryptologist, we might begin to understand the intentions of my heart.
I don't want to sound like a disenchanted teenager..."No one understands me" they say with a soured shrug.

What I mean to say is that my intentions are etched into the insides of my head. Every so often, I close my eyes and see the intricate, but simple map to my soul. It's lined with "what ifs" and premature "I love you"'s but once you get past that, I radiate with a glowing earnestness. I just want to please you. I want to give to you. Most of the time I try to impart a little portion of my soul, but it always get distorted when I let my mind be the middle man.

What was that you asked?

Premature promptings and wise foresight battle for control. An incomplete mixed message is sent to the voicebox who in turn interprets it as "good to go". The words fall out of my mouth like tetris. They build up an elaborate response fit and trim with minute detail. It's then I realize I'm unsure if I answered the question.

Though it may not always exude brilliance, I speak with conviction. I could talk down the stars from the sky if given the chance. I don't confront with sage simplicities. I barrage the conversation with passion...unadulterated portions of half-thoughts. Most of which just evolved in my marathon mind.

But when I close my eyes, all that remains is the conviction. And I know some day that one soul will look and see the intricate lines that lead to my soul.
I wish I was a little more delicate.

Monday, May 10, 2010


It's many times I feel like this:
I'm ready to move. I ready to watch the shapes shift and the elements collide. I'm ready to up and go. I need out.

But then I'm reminded:
I feel my own breath against my arm. The warmth stays a few moments after exhale. I'm reminded of the many lives I've lived. The beauty these eyes have seen and the beauty they'll continue to see if I choose to acknowledge it.
And all is well.

Any semblance of unsatisfaction will bow at the awe of the untamed landscapes of yore. Life will blush with color once more. We will embark hoping for something we know we won't achieve. But its through the experience that we'll come to know what it is that we need. It's the Great American Roadtrip. It's an event revered in society, often parodied, often over-sentimentalized. But as long as there are winding roads and unreliable cars to steer them through, bands of human beings will make the pilgrimage.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

This guy is good.

Requiem of a Semester

Have you ever been confined to one place for a long duration of time in which you are despised and sometimes just ignored?

It's an exhausting yet strengthening experience. The humility gained through living in a hostile environment is something I value greatly. It wasn't by choice, it was circumstantial for both parties. And I don't blame the other party entirely. I think the situation offers some areas of conflict. But that in no way shape or form gives the right to disregard me as a person.

Each morning I'm able to wake up, a little more tired than usual from attempting to sleep through the 4 am parties every night of the week...but I'm able to walk out into the morning sun and feel peace and conviction in the decisions I've made. I'm able to pray and love with a much fuller capacity than I ever could have known possible. I've truly found something that I simply cannot deny. If you had experienced the things I've experienced and felt, you wouldn't be able to deny it either. It's a peace beyond all peace. I can move mountains. I can endure to the end.
I still love you guys as my friends. You guys are some of the best people I know. But it's sad that I've been subjected to your worst sides in the last few months.

This isn't meant to be an "Austin the Martyr" kinda post. But if I may say so myself, I feel like I've handled this extremely well. And that's all thanks to this faith. I've been so blessed throughout all of this, it's incredible how God provides. Just know that this was MY decision. You have your own decisions and I still respect you for them.

SO...just because I probably won't be around you as much next semester. I will still make the effort to talk in passing in the hallways. I'll send you things I think you'd appreciate. I'll not harvest any sort of bitterness towards you.
I'll still love you.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

A State of Mind

Just watched A State of Mind. It's amazing how much we don't know about North Korea, and how much North Korea doesn't know about us. This past year I've found myself watching movies and reading on this country and its culture. The North Korean country is sad, grim example of the futility of man and the ideological worship of man, Socialism/Communism. The people themselves have the best intentions. They are a beautiful people of devotion and discipline. But these traits are invested in a faulty government mirage of power.

I don't know nearly enough to establish a true intellectual opinion, but from what I've gathered, I think the Western world's current stance on the country is far too biased. Sure, the country is a definite threat to our ideology. But this does not give use the right to ostracize an entire people. The US can be such a hypocritical idea. I love this country. And I believe it to be the one free, true place in the world where people can think and act for themselves. But we are not perfect. We have our hands in so many others countries pockets and affairs. I also think we put far too much emphasis on our responsibility of "educating" others in our ways. Let us act by example and not by forceful action. Everyone has a free choice, and agency to choose their own constitution. This is the basis of the USA. But it is not within our constitution to push this idea on others.

North Korea will not last. It will not be one of those empires with the privilege of millennial reign. It's isolation from the world will cause it to be eaten from within, once the people realize Kim-il Sung did not "create the world" or that Kim Jong-il can "control the weather".
Putting that much faith in man has proven in past and present to be a futile business. Man is not perfect. Nor is socialism, the ideology based off full faith in man. Kim Jung Il is not God...although official North Korean history claims his birth on Mt. Baekdu was "an event marked by a double rainbow and a new star in the sky."

We must keep a watchful eye on our neighbors...but not look at them as the next front in our "war for democracy". As a world super power, we are forced to be a world player. I just wish the US would be more careful with the ways in which it "plays" with other ideologies and peoples.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Sums up my thoughts at all times

I want this tattooed on the inside of my eyelids.
The sky is my favorite place in the world.
I don't care how effusive that sounds.

Originally uploaded by laura taylor.