Monday, September 8, 2008

Whew.

It's been a while since I've written...anything. I use writing primarily as a way to "get things out". And when I get comfortable in my current state, I have no reason to write.
I'd like to change that, but for now, I need to rant.

Think beginning voice over monologue in Spike Jonze's Adaptation...

I spent 2 1/2 hours on facebook last night, I didn't start the paper I was planning to write, and I can't seem to get out of my head.
I sometime think I'm becoming those statistics I laughed at at college orientation, "80% of students felt 'very sad' at numerous times of their first year". I'm not 'very sad' or even sad for that matter. I just feel "uncomfortable", getting used to things.
I worry so much about what others think of me. I'm constantly trying to mold myself into a presentable human being only to come off as awkward and funny at confrontations. I worry that if I ever truly love someone, I'll scare them away because of how passionate I am about them...within the first few weeks of the relationship. I listen to film soundtracks and expect brilliant script ideas to just come to me, sometime I think they do, but I never expand on them and eventually loose confidence.
I run everyday now and try to eat healthier but I still want to loose more weight. I feel like if I do that, I can cut out that whole body image part of my internal thoughts.
I feel like I am so naive to the world. People my age have experienced death, poverty, sex, drugs, divorced parents. I'm not wishing any of this upon myself, or anyone else but I do feel guilty when I complain about my self to my self.

I ran 28 laps around the health center track listening to Nick Cave.
ha, I just wanted to say that.

I glanced back on what I just wrote and realized how many I's there were. I need to stop being so into myself and learn to just LIVE. I need to love everyone, throw myself out into the open and experience all that life has to offer.

ah, see, I already feel better. I think it should just be mandatory for me to write a blog like this every once and I while. When I read this it just seems so ridiculous, and that's exactly what it is. To be able to read some of the thoughts that have passed through my mind recently is humbling. I should probably work on better rationalizing thoughts in my mind.
I internalize everything, it's just who I am I guess.

4 comments:

Manda1012 said...

Yea, I k now what you mean, I typically only blog when Im in a rant mood.. or something where I just need to express all the stuff thats just building up in my thoughts.

It can be hard getting used to but you shouldn't have to feel like you need to mold yourself for others. From what I can tell you are already a rather outstanding person. As far as self image goes, if you think losing weight will help then good! but don't over do it, sometimes we never can seem to satisfy our expectations of ourselves. We're all too hard on ourselves.

Love. Don't be afraid to love someone. Though you're right, too much love early on can sometimes push another away, but maybe you just need to find someone understanding enough.

Don't feel Naive, feel lucky. I embrace some of my most naive aspects. Cherish the innocence. Don't feel guilty about that stuff.. I mean im being a bit hypocritical because i do the same thing.. alot.. too often really. It's like, why haven't I had to go through some of what others have had to go through and I still complain.. then I complain about how I complain.. lol..

Idk..

It takes a while to learn to live. it's a scary process to just.. live..

just open up and let the world take hold :)

Manda1012 said...

oh.. but don't let the world consume you to the point of.. ya know.. the evils of society..

too many conformists.. and distorted ideals in the world..

Austin said...

thanks for the feedback!

yeah I know you're right, you just have to live life and not over analyze...its something I've been working on :)

Manda1012 said...

good :)