Monday, November 29, 2010

Zoe

Every so often, I feel like I should write something in here. But I always end up writing it in my notebook instead.
It's strange, really. It used to be that I couldn't bring myself to write anything unless it was on my blog. I liked knowing that people read what I wrote...even if it was only a few friends. And I still like that feeling. But these past few months, I've found myself meticulously recording every notable raw thought that comes to my mind. I'm writing more now than I ever have before. I've accumulated 3 notebooks (and 1 small pocket-size book) which are filled cover to cover with insights and messy bus handwriting emotion. At the rate I'm going, I'll be consuming four 192 page notebooks per year.

I like that idea. I like knowing that I'll have a bookcase shelf solely devoted to my raw thoughts. It's something I look forward to sharing with my future kids. Every so often, I find myself paging back, examining the changes I've made and the opinions I had. It's a humbling, tender moment. And each time, I see the way God has worked in my life...in miraculous ways. I've seen prayers answered and truths restored. I've seen those moments of complete peace and those moments of confusion and anxiety.
To look back in this fashion is to move forward. Each new entry I make is a building block to becoming the person I strive to be.

Dated 7/9/2009:
"I'm so thankful for the many things I've picked up from exploring a small portion of the Mormon faith...I just want to continue with this 'uncertain' faith journey. I feel like the small euphoria I felt when exploring the Mormon faith was only because of the roadtrip and hanging out with Alex, speaking of faith, etc."

It wasn't just the roadtrip.

I've found more truth and beauty than I ever could have imagined in the months following. And somehow, I continue to build upon this notion even more each day. That warm whisper of the conviction of my faith rises with me each morning. Somehow, I can read the same scriptures over and over and yet I still find new truths.

I'm not a religious zealot. I haven't been brainwashed.
In those months leading up to my conversion, I asked, over and over again if this was true. And I stand here today not having to ask anymore. I know that it is. I can't even begin to put that conviction into words. But when I kneel each night, I know Someone is listening. When I smile I know Someone else is smiling. When I see the beauty of this earth, I know the hands that sculpted its majesty.

And so this leads me to the ultimate point I'm trying to make...Write. Pick up the pen and paper, the word document or blog entry...
There are so many things I'm thankful for: my Heavenly Father, my family, my Natalie, and my words. I look back and see all of the ways I've been blessed throughout these tattered notebooks.
But what I see the most is God's love for us all.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Muchas gracias por escribir esto, se unbelieveably informativo y me dijo que una tonelada

Anonymous said...

terima kasih amigo! besar posting!

Manda1012 said...

Love this!

Keeping journals is amazing, before I started blogging I used to write in notebooks all the time, I have notebooks upon notebooks in my room that I'd just keep with me and write in whenever--whether it be 3am of 10 at night. I love being able to go back and look over what came to mind years ago, not to mention some of the best thoughts are spontaneous...wish I had a notebook with me at all times.

Anonymous said...

I just added your feed to my favorites. I really enjoy reading your posts..