Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Revival



I've been very introspective lately. I found myself going back through old writings and old blog posts, combing through past thoughts and feelings.

What I've seen most are the short film ideas I had written down at work. I read through them now for the first time since they flowed from my excited fingers a year or two ago. They are all quite revealing of my intentions, my passions, and the unrequited love I happened to be involved in at the time. I wanted to live vicariously through the characters I spoke of. I wanted love, security, and faith. The characters were always looking for something more...something that they could never find. They all get thrown into formidable situations beyond their control. And rather than thrive, they get sucked under. Some of them have luck in the end, but it's always by chance, and it's always unsuspecting.

I came across one unpublished post (draft) from January 2009 that simply states:
"This past Thanksgiving and Christmas marked the first times I realized I was an adult."

I remember that Christmas. I had a lot on my mind. I remember getting drunk a few days before leaving home for the Holidays. I was becoming a regular drinker (nothing crazy). Though in high school, I was a staunch opponent of even going to the parties where cheap beer flowed like water. I had a crush on a girl who I knew I would get eventually. I wanted to have a serious committed relationship with her...and I thought my chances were good (it fizzled out after nothing more than a kiss or two). I started to recognize the world around me as being endless with possibility. I could do anything. All throughout the break I told myself I was formally becoming initiated as an "adult" into this world. It was strange to come back into my previous life so soon after I had made these realizations within.

There is another one from March of this year:
"I know it's standard to be uncertain about your future in college. I get that.
But I just worry"


I still catch this thought every so often. But not nearly in the way I used to. Moving out to Utah was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I know my direction now. I have a tentative career path in a field where I'm not compromising my passions. I no longer want to make films for a living...but it's been replaced with something far more reaching into the depths of my appetite for life: helping others directly (cliche? yes. something I've found complete passion for? also, yes).

I feel like I have a taste of what I've always wanted. I have a faith that means everything to me, an understanding of my place in the universe, and a girl that I love. I'm not completely fulfilled because then I'd have no reason to continue living on earth. But for the first time ever, I'm not afraid to look at my prospective future. And I don't miss drinking either...

there's a waning moment in time
when the people slow down
the sun sets over the lake
my lungs breath in the cold air
and I know I'm alive

a wise man once said,
Dear God I see you move the mountains
Dear God I see you moving trees
Sometimes it’s nothing to believe in
Sometimes it’s everything I see

2 comments:

Natalie said...

So I really like your explanation for why you're not completely fulfilled. I've never really considered that. When I originally read that you're not completely fulfilled I got a little uneasy but you're completely right. I'm not completely fulfilled either and I'm happy about that. We've got so much to keep going for, to keep working for and hoping for.

Manda1012 said...

I enjoyed this very much; I love how insightful you are, you have such a great outlook on everything. I'm glad the move to Utah has been beneficial for you:) Glad you've discovered a field that fits your greatest passions!