Zoe

Every so often, I feel like I should write something in here. But I always end up writing it in my notebook instead.
It's strange, really. It used to be that I couldn't bring myself to write anything unless it was on my blog. I liked knowing that people read what I wrote...even if it was only a few friends. And I still like that feeling. But these past few months, I've found myself meticulously recording every notable raw thought that comes to my mind. I'm writing more now than I ever have before. I've accumulated 3 notebooks (and 1 small pocket-size book) which are filled cover to cover with insights and messy bus handwriting emotion. At the rate I'm going, I'll be consuming four 192 page notebooks per year.

I like that idea. I like knowing that I'll have a bookcase shelf solely devoted to my raw thoughts. It's something I look forward to sharing with my future kids. Every so often, I find myself paging back, examining the changes I've made and the opinions I had. It's a humbling, tender moment. And each time, I see the way God has worked in my life...in miraculous ways. I've seen prayers answered and truths restored. I've seen those moments of complete peace and those moments of confusion and anxiety.
To look back in this fashion is to move forward. Each new entry I make is a building block to becoming the person I strive to be.

Dated 7/9/2009:
"I'm so thankful for the many things I've picked up from exploring a small portion of the Mormon faith...I just want to continue with this 'uncertain' faith journey. I feel like the small euphoria I felt when exploring the Mormon faith was only because of the roadtrip and hanging out with Alex, speaking of faith, etc."

It wasn't just the roadtrip.

I've found more truth and beauty than I ever could have imagined in the months following. And somehow, I continue to build upon this notion even more each day. That warm whisper of the conviction of my faith rises with me each morning. Somehow, I can read the same scriptures over and over and yet I still find new truths.

I'm not a religious zealot. I haven't been brainwashed.
In those months leading up to my conversion, I asked, over and over again if this was true. And I stand here today not having to ask anymore. I know that it is. I can't even begin to put that conviction into words. But when I kneel each night, I know Someone is listening. When I smile I know Someone else is smiling. When I see the beauty of this earth, I know the hands that sculpted its majesty.

And so this leads me to the ultimate point I'm trying to make...Write. Pick up the pen and paper, the word document or blog entry...
There are so many things I'm thankful for: my Heavenly Father, my family, my Natalie, and my words. I look back and see all of the ways I've been blessed throughout these tattered notebooks.
But what I see the most is God's love for us all.

Stardust

Do you ever have those days when you’re just numb to everything?

Those days are a conundrum of human existence.
It’s those days when nothing seems to please your human senses. No person, no taste, no sound, no music can seem to pull you permanently out of your lack of inspiration.

I’m never content with just reasoning that I’m “in a bad mood”.

I must dissect potential causes in my head over the span of many hours. I wallow. I look for that opportunity to pull myself up, that leverage from the rut.

And then, just as I’m winding myself up for further disappointment, I stop…

And its as if my mind leaps out my brain and into the sky. I breathe. This barred mindset is suddenly under foot and I’m free of all uninspired thinking.
And I hear Sinatra playing from the bottom of a deep well in my soul.

A Modern Day Church

I wrote this recently in a letter to a friend. It's a response to the increasingly hostile views towards the LDS Church and its doctrine regarding Gay Marriage. This blog is more directed towards members of the Church who may be more familiar with its doctrine...

_______________________


...Regarding conference, I was also struck by the numerous times "The 14 Elements of Prophets" (originally by Benson) was referred to. There was a lot about sustaining the Prophet and having faith that our Church is a covenant church (and remembering that covenant amidst the many persuasive secular voices of the world).

I thought it was especially important to hear in these times when the Church is under so much pressure regarding issues such as Prop 8 and gay rights. Many members find it hard to strike a balance between aligning with the issues of the world and sustaining the Prophet and Church's direction.

That being said, Pres. Packer's controversial talk was so important for members to hear. I was one of the many who was praying and searching for the appropriate way to balance my faith and political views. Packer put it bluntly, as he always has, claiming that the Church would never waver against pressure to change its core doctrine. I had never thought of it in that way. But it makes complete sense. The Church cannot and will not change an integral part of the doctrine given to us directly from Jesus Christ and the scriptures.
At first, I was offended. I thought Packer had no right to say something so bluntly. It didn't seem fair to draw a line in the sand. Especially in light of the media attention gay suicides have been getting. And I think that's why people were so offended. They thought the timing was wrong. I had a friend who told me they didn't want that "unloving mindset" dirtying the waters of a faith they belong to.
But as I prayed and pondered about my reaction, I realized that he was provoking people to do just as I had done, reevaluate our faith in what we know. It was a hard message to hear for some, but it was nothing more than a restatement of the Family Proclamation.

And it is a message of love...and of hope. I think this guy puts it best, and he's a Mormon who happens to be Gay,
http://gaymormonguy.blogspot.com/2010/10/president-packers-talk-from-gay-mormon.html?spref=fb

As my LDS Church History Institute teacher put it, "We can be loving disciples without watering down doctrine." This means we are to be as loving and UNDERSTANDING as possible. We are not to call out people on ways we may disagree with. We are to stand by our convictions without forcing them upon others.

We Latter-day Saints have always been misunderstood and persecuted. Since our very beginnings, we have been persecuted and in many instances run out of town (and even states) by protesters and a secular world. Our doctrine has always been misunderstood because it requires much deeper thought and scriptural backing than the average non-member (or member in some cases) wants to spend time on. Which is understandable. We can't just expect people to be well versed in our doctrine. We must expect this sort of mainstream backlash by now. The Church knows what its talking about not only because it is led by Jesus Christ, but also because it has dealt with issues like this for nearly two centuries.

_______________________

I don't mean to sound self-righteous throughout all of this. I just want people to understand why we believe the things we do. I'm not any better than any other person in this world.

TUMBLR

For whatever reason, I've found it much more fulfilling to write in my notebook lately.
I don't feel the need to write as often in here as I used to.
I still plan on writing here every so often but for now, I think it will be easier to update using tumblr. Soooo here goes something:
theaustinchronicles.tumblr.com

Long Distance Assurance

That old crow flows overhead each street I cross. I don't question the world because it's been know to run down many a man. So I'll just continue on this inclined path I push each foot against. Mark each step with an exasperated breath and I feel the pulse of that mended peace.

Take the church out of it. Take the people out of it. Take the scripture out of it. And I'm left running towards the purest love I've ever felt. I know where my base is. And I know where I'm heading next. I put all of those elements back in mid-step and I find my feelings haven't changed in the slightest.