Friday, December 21, 2007

"Nah babe, If I Eat Anymore of Those Brownies I'm Gonna Be Sick..."

I feel I should post this was what got me thinking about the subject

The Well and the Lighthouse by The Arcade Fire

Well, it almost come to the 1st anniversary of this blog. Close enough anyways, 2 months away...
What has come from it? I created it back in February of last year for reasons I can't remember, I'm assuming it was just to simply keep a blog. But as I look back, I realize how much I've changed as a person. I started by just basically recording my thoughts that day- college, snow day, etc. I've gotten to the point where I occasionally write something insightful. I'm a better writer than I was then, it's a slow but consistent process. I just still feel like there's something missing.
I was in creative writing class 2 weeks ago. Mr. Hamm assigned a poem. I immediately groan to myself and wait for the prompt. Write a poem about how you've progressed as a writer, of poetry in particular. I don't even like poetry, I never could write it. I love listening to Brian, Alex, and Brandon read their amazingly fluid, beautiful lines of poetry. But me? I can't do it. I always say, "Oh well I'd much rather write prose than I would poetry...". But what is the last piece of prose I've written? It's been about a month and a half. I haven't written anything in 50 days, besides a few clinical essays. As soon as I have this realization, my mind breaks through the chains I've subdued it in. There's so much I have to say, so much I've left to decay inside of me. I want, no I need to write something. And what do I decide to write with this bottled up inspiration? A poem of self-loathing. 25 lines of depressing dictum. No really, I'm not kidding. It's about how I wish I could write poetry better....I refuse to even re-read it to myself again.
After bottling up that discouraging writing experience, I have another realization, 2 weeks later, this morning...
The paper (or in this situation, the blog) is a fine place to vent on, process your internal struggles, and evaluate who you are as a person (which I do so often). But I think it's unhealthy to use the blog solely for these purposes. Besides the two pieces I posted back in October (the personal narrative and "Hold the Cream"), all I've written are bleak invitations into my mind at times of distress.
I want to change this. I want to stop trying to find myself all the time, and write for someone else. I want to stop being afraid to let myself show my true self, instead of covering it with a pity-craving rant. I know I have it in me, I've seen on paper before. I need to stop being so self-conscious and remember that my writing is my own, and its destined to be bad at first. It's a learning experience.

While I'm at, I want to be a better Christian, a better friend, and just a better person in general. Not to say I'm a bad person, I just have room to improve, just as I do in my writing.

So I guess that it. I guess you could consider this an early new year's resolution...

1 comment:

Manda1012 said...

This is a wonderful blog =). I suck at new year's revolutions..