Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Merry Halloween

It's dangerous to do this.

I'm tired, and I'm writing. That combination has never been a good one.
It's always resulted in blogs that are craving pity and bottomless support about how "you'll always be there for me and what not."

Don't get me wrong, I love hearing support from friends. Sometimes you just need to hear it. But it happens most often when I'm tired, putting off homework, and it's late/semi-late. I usually read it the next day and hate myself for writing it. I'm typically a little embarrassed, but I never delete it. I think I just don't give a damn when I'm tired, so I just let it all flow out. So it's probably a good thing in the end.

I haven't really "talked" in a long time. I feel like a lot has happened within me, and I really haven't acknowledged it, analyzed it. So while I should have been writing my research paper, I was browsing through my old xanga I haven't used in a year -and my old myspace comments.

There are two really bad habit I've had for the longest time. One is the fact that I can't get motivated about anything school related. I can't think of the last time I actually put my full effort into school work. I bet I would if my grades ever slipped, but I'm fine with A's and few B's. Besides some projects in Creative Writing, I feel like I've just been really lazy about everything. Ok, so I guess you would consider this Senioritis, but I've had the same habit for all of high school. Being obsessed with movies has really put a lot of stress on this habit. I'd much rather watch The Man Who Wasn't There than start on this stupid paper. Of course, I would. I feel like my motivation in life is narrowed down into a few things, film being one of them.

OK glad to get that out of the way. Next...the biggie

Much to your demise (I know), this is not about The Notorious B.I.G.

This is more self-loathing. Hey, I warned you...

Although I've only mentioned it to a few people in passing, you all know it. I'm socially inept, at times. It's strange really, unless I reallly know you, it takes a lot for me to say "hey" to you in the hallway or strike up a conversation when we're awkwardly sitting there alone. It's a pathetic habit, but it's really taken a toll on me.
For instance, I'll use an actual example of why this problem bothers me so much. When I first met Tory, I thought she was pretty cool, we became "myspace friends" and talked it up via commenting. But then once school started back up from the winter break, I would see her in the hallways and avoid her. We slowly had a falling out of "myspace friends" to "oh, he/she is on my friend list". Sorry to use the horrible cliche myspace reference. This same type of behavior happened a lot during the play production too. All of these people I knew, but didn't exactly know, I avoided without even saying hey (unless they said it first).
But the point of all of this is that I'm pretty sure I come off as a complete prick to these people. I mean I completely avoid them and knowing me, it's probably pretty obvious too. I don't dislike any of these people, I guess I'm just extremely self-conscious around new people. Once I'm comfortable around you, I'm myself.

Now that's the end of that.

Okay, well at the end of the night, I have no new additions to my research paper, a new blog, and lots of leftover candy (no one showed up this year!). I'd call that a good night.

Until next time,

1 comment:

Manda1012 said...

I can completely relate to both parts of this blog. the fist part is so true, i totally avoid all my work --as i am currently doing that right now-- by getting online and i end up in a rush to finish it. my grades are the same so i really dont care though i know my mom would die if she knew that i keep procrastinating.

with the second part.. im just that way in general... heck i could know someone for over a year and still have trouble just going up and saying hi.. im intimidated unless they try to get to know me first.. i have to get comfortable and to a friend status.

the myspace example is a good reference though, because there are people i know via school that i add to myspace, that i feel fine talking to online but then in person i end up talking to them less... i guess cuz i dont have to look at them eye to eye?? less damage to self esteem or something.

Sam (remember her?? she added you when i added you) adds TONS of people online then when she sees them in person she freaks out.. yet claims them as good friends.. i think thats just what happens when you dont meet people the normal way..