Epilogue

Today I found myself dipping back into the memory
of jagged mountains and beautiful people.

I traced the outline of the mountain horizon along the narrow roads of my mind.
I taunted the peeking sun behind the peak with an exuberant cackle.
I closed my eyes and the images of dramatically lit skies and beautiful nothingness was projected against my pupils.
I danced along the Columbia River with the persistence of a snare.
I saw the smiles and heard the laughter.
My heart jumped when I saw a whimsical redhead with a grin like a starlet and an eye like a lens.

My legs grew weak when I danced with a movie-loving linguist from Texas.

I embraced a dear friend I had missed.

We catapulted ourselves through red deserts and rolling green hills.

I stopped at a sight that made me undoubtedly reaffirm my humanity...

This was written while observing from the window:

"I am speechless.
Words cannot describe what I have just seen. The pictures and video do not do it justice. I just witnessed one of the most beautiful memories I will ever retain.
I Saw all the colors of the rainbow used on a Colorado plain. The rainbow itself was even present. It mocked the ominous funnel cloud attempting to form on the other side of the road. The image was perfectly drawn down the middle. Bright sunny green fields harbored the fully-shaped rainbow while dead neutral ground was looked upon by tornado clouds and neon lightning.
I saw two worlds collide at once. The rainbow quickly overtook the darkness making a leap across the highway. It shown brighter than ever against a glorious sunrise of golds and purples. But the storm slowly dissipated the arch of colors and begun to cry tears of anger as it threw blue electric down from the heavens on both sides of the road.
Just then, the two forces threw offensive punches in unison. The sun showered the clouds with brilliant embers while the storm met head on with the deafening rain and rolling thunder.
A beautiful array of calm formed across the spacious sky.
The face of God."

Pictures really don't do it justice. Trust me.
















I will always be able to reenter this memory of Alex, of Mercedes, of Kelsie, of comforting mountains, of red deserts, of calm rivers, of the beating sun, of empty roads...of God in the form of people and places.

8/13/09

I hit the lawn mower today.
I kicked, pounded, pummeled with all available limbs. Beads of sweat streaked down the face of a red-cheeked 19 year old. Muffled exhales of breath escaped with violent ferocity. The quiet whisper of "She's A Rainbow" could be heard from the iPod ear-buds holding on to my ears for dear life. Luckily, no real damage was done...I don't think...

What a sight it was.

I've come to realize that on occasion, I completely lose my cool on inanimate objects. Let me dispel any hint that I would do this to anything other than an inanimate object. I could never do what I did to the lawnmower to any human being or animal.
It happens maybe once a month, if that. I just get frustrated with something so I shake it until it clicks, hit it until it lights up, kick it until it starts. I can remember doing this even at a very young age, a lot more often then. Currently, it's more out of habit. I was bullied through my childhood, yada yada, I don't want anyone's pity. It wasn't that bad. But it would still cause me to come in and every once and a while, hit a pillow or a piece of furniture or whatever was giving me a hard time. It was nothing drastic. It was me hitting a sofa cushion until I realized what I was doing. I always felt ashamed after, like I had stooped to the level of the bully.

And so here I am, kicking the side of the lawn mower, stopping occasionally to try to start the engine again, Rolling Stones playing adding a soundtrack to the occasion. But today I came to a realization.
After checking the gas, about to wail on it again, I stopped. I looked up into the sky and felt the calm. There was something else there, something keeping me from my frustration. I gazed at the low-hanging clouds against a blue saturated sky. The swaying limbs of the trees pulled my attention to the leaves reaching out in all directions. A quick prayer of thanks...I drooped my head down and let the sun beat down upon my neck, a wry smile on my face. I closed my eyes and took it all in.

Then I drenched the lawn mower in gasoline, lit it on fire, and pushed it down the big hill leading away from my street. It was a beautiful sight. It slowly hobbled down the road, its squeaky uneven wheel causing a limp. Slowly, people began poking their heads out from behind the faded doors. The kids on War Admiral Rd. dropped their bats and balls. Arrcaro Ln. let go of their bikes and scooters. The neighborhood bully stopped in mid-abuse, the victim making a run for the trees as the torch made its way past the suburban sprawl.

Abandoned Summer

The clear plastic "G" sat in the passenger seat next to me. "Try Our 3 New Angus Choices" was now "Try Our 3 New Anus Choices". We sped away from the McDonalds like idiot teenagers on a midnight ride.
Something was in the air that night. Youth, if that's what you want to call it, was running in the gutters. The angst we thought we had all lost came rushing back like a shot in the night.

I struggled to hear the conversation Brian and Alex were having in the front of the car. The melodic music of someone I had never heard was absorbed by the back of my head. I gave up on trying to enter the conversation and instead sat back and looked out the window. We passed streets I had passed many times and old back-roads I seldom turned down. I saw flashes of memories that once controlled my mind. Incidents and people who now seemed foreign...something my mind tends to do with the past. The sounds of the car and the music and the voices seemed to twine together as one in a beautiful symphony of life. The dark marks on my shorts continued on to the top of the tan line on my knee. I was reminded of what took place earlier that night and smiled to myself...I let myself slip into the fresh memory...

Brian and I jumped out the car, me fumbling with my shoes on the way out. Alex sped the car up and we both darted towards the sudden red neon. Brian jumped on the front hood and I climbed on the back windshield, my hands finding their way through the open window to the interior handles in the roof of the car, locked in anxious excitement. I looked around nervously, the newly finished residential road spotted with a few homes under construction. Movement pushed my body against the car. Dirt from the back of the car left streaks on my leg and pants. Alex hastily turned up the soundtrack to the escapade and sped down the road.
I had the better end of the car, Brian slid around the hood laughing and screaming until Alex sprayed windshield wiper fluid in his face. Then there was mostly screaming. I leaned my stomach against the back, lifting my hands free into the wind. I shouted into the sky, closing my eyes and wishing the wind would lift me into the the stratosphere. The car lurched and I was pushed to the roof of the car. I questioned our childish actions for a moment but let myself fall back into youth. I rested my head on the roof and stared at the blur of houses and streetlights. Life is so simple in moments like this. It was all clear, set out before me. It happened again, it hadn't happened in a long time...In the rush of the wind and music and laughing I saw the face of God. Then the car stopped and it was my turn to ride the front.

...I managed to hear talk of some girl Brian was interested in through the symphony of sounds. He needed a good girl. If anyone deserved one it was Brian. I wanted one too.
I finished off the rest of the Mexican Coca-Cola we bought and watched my shadow dance against the opposing car door fabric. I noticed my silhouette and saw myself in a way no mirror had ever reflected. I saw my wants, I saw my desires, I saw my friends, I saw my faith, I saw my family, I saw love. Gratitude trickled down my spine, collecting at my fingertips, numbing my mind. I closed my eyes.