Friday, June 18, 2010

Ode to Natalie

There's a certain moment in time when you realize something monumental has happened in your life. It may be obvious; a big move or a new career. But I think the most gratifying monumental moments are those meetings between two human beings.
You may very well realize their importance before they happen. But the most momentous meetings occur between two unsuspecting people. Two people who don't fully realize how pivotal the occurrence will be to their world.

The misty rain is collecting on the back of my hand as I hold the phone to my ear. I can think back to those silent moments after hours of speaking to one another, the fog off San Francisco Bay collecting in the winding roads I walk. Those in-between-topic moments where we can hear the feedback from the others breath. It's only the second time we've spoken on the phone and already I've had one of those monumental realizations. I didn't quite understand it. It was this looming presence in the back of my mind. I just knew it was important.
We spoke with a candidness unheard of by my virgin ears. I wasn't used to that sort of reception. "Everyone's waiting to talk, but no one's listening. Everyone's sweating, but no one's glistening." We are two souls entwined. We have no choice but to move forward with the natural order of things. We cannot deny these moments. For once in my life, I can accept all of those indigestible romantic cliches. I can understand what they mean. I swore I'd never walk that line. But now that I've found the muse they've all spoken of, I can't help myself.

What's more is that this girl was dropped in front of me by chance. She is not some fling I've exhausted. She is not some pretty face I see every day.
She is a beautiful accident that appeared in the form of words in an email. My mind was unsure of how to approach in a worded reply. I'm used to this being hard. I'm used to force fitting that last puzzle piece.
By the second email she sent I could understand the way she presented herself, the way she spoke from within. I knew she had felt it too. Our words flow in and out of the others, fingers rapidly typing quick, unguarded thoughts.
I've shared a lot of myself to prospective girls. I trust easily. And even as I continue to give myself to this new girl I know there is something different with Natalie. My words are not for me to stare at longingly and wonder what the other side is thinking.
I don't fret over my internet identity nearly as much as I used to. I don't analyze my words and thoughts in careful precision. I don't wonder about her thoughts. The answers we provide are uniquely for the other. We know how the other thinks. Somehow, our souls have connected in this big hectic world and our unsuspecting minds are cut loose from the bands of anxiety.

So now we sit next to one another at her mother's play practice. Our eyes gaze up at dark figures moving up the wall towards the ceiling. The conductor of this small ensemble waves his arms frantically to the rhythm, the music stand light throwing dramatic silhouettes against high ceiling. I worry about nothing. My mind can only focus on the subtle beauty of the moment. I'd rather be here than anywhere else.

The way things have aligned beyond our control are constant reminders of the divinity of this whole situation. For fleeting moments, I wonder if I'll ever regret speaking this way, if this will just turn into another fling. But before my mind can press forth with the idea, she enters my mind and I know I can't even bring myself to think such things. She has won so many battles over my subconscious. God continues to show me that the road I'm on is in line with hers. And the road is more beautiful than ever. The way the leaves of the trees drift in the wind are accompanied by her song.

And now I feel I'm with her. She's probably somewhere in the sky over a golden Mexican floor. She's probably nervous about her Spanish. She's probably thinking about the important words she doesn't know and the lesser ones she's sure of. I'm not sitting in that seat next to her, or even in the surrounding sea of faces. But I can sit contently in Kentucky knowing that my other half is living out another one of her dreams. I can sit contently in Kentucky knowing that her voice is readily available to play through the speakers lining the walls of my brain. I can breath easy knowing that the reigns are in someone elses hands...someone far more capable than I.

So go ahead. Call me young. Call me naive. Call me cliche.
You could probably hang each one of those titles on me in one form or another. But I'm just going forward with what feels right, with something that I couldn't deny even if I wanted to.

1 comment:

natalie.dayle said...

I feel like anything I say to this would be lacking to the fullest extent but on the other hand to not comment would be empty in some way. I love this: every word. If there was any way to articulate our circumstances, you've done it, dear.