Update(s)

So lately, life has been a beautiful conundrum of life choices.

Do you ever have those days (sometimes even weeks) where you just sit back and think, "Whoa...I'm living. And I have work to do. And I have to get a job with my degree. And I'll have a family in future years?!"

It's daunting to think about. But after the initial shock and worry, you may find yourself humbled. There are just so many decisions to be made, and lives to touch. I don't understand how I'll make it through it all.

But even on the surface I know that everything will fall into place if I let it.

_________________________________

Also can I just leave for a mission already?
But I'm also REALLY looking forward to the coming months. I don't know if I'd actually go any earlier than this summer. There's too much to experience leading up to that point.

_________________________________

I would also like to point out that I found this ad...


Studies show Russian girls are very attracted to Western Men.

Oh Sister

My eyes itch with a sudden intensity
This dry air lays heavy against me
But a silent smile reaches far across my face
Her voice is a welcome breath of air from Ohio

She giggles while dancing in an illuminated living room
Warmth is swelling within
The blue sky above makes me feel closer than 1600 miles
The call soon ends and I'm left searching the horizon

A Western sun falls down the back of my neck
I am thankful for the beauty of the far reaching landscape
That mid-afternoon veil lays heavy over the mountains
I am constantly humbled by simplicity

2008

"My memories start to wander off
Come to me the remembrance of
My way back home"

(band of horses)

Welcome to me 2 years ago:

"I worry so much about what others think of me. I'm constantly trying to mold myself into a presentable human being only to come off as awkward and funny at confrontations. I worry that if I ever truly love someone, I'll scare them away because of how passionate I am about them...within the first few weeks of the relationship.
I run everyday now and try to eat healthier but I still want to loose more weight. I feel like if I do that, I can cut out that whole body image part of my internal thoughts.
I feel like I am so naive to the world. People my age have experienced death, poverty, sex, drugs, divorced parents. I'm not wishing any of this upon myself, or anyone else but I do feel guilty when I complain about my self to my self."

Isn't it so strange to look back when we're this young? Two years seems like such a long time ago. That's like 15 years in "youth years". We experience so much change and adaptation in these times.

I always knew there was more. I had that instinctual feeling that there was something more to attain. I worried about girls, God, and food (not in that order). I worried I'd never find someone I could sit quietly with and feel completely content. I worried that God was dead and I was a pawn in a pointless life. I worried because food was such a priority to me haha.

I remember each night praying for a direction if there was any. I prayed to know if there was any truth out there. I wanted to know God personally. I wanted to believe. But I couldn't bring myself to "align" with anything. I could only view it as conformity. But then I woke up one day thinking I should go to Church again...this time at that Mormon Church in Hebron. I can still remember how uneasy I felt sitting in my car in the parking lot. But then I walked in and I felt a sense of peace. I remember hearing someone quote Mosiah 18: 10-11 and my heart literally flipped in my chest. I didn't understand why until I read it again.

I found my peace. I found my truth I always hoped and prayed for.

Later, after many setbacks, I found this girl. And to put it simply, I don't worry about anything when I'm with her. And she inspires me with each and every new day.

The food thing...yeah...I still eat more cereal than any human being should. But it's whatever.

Moral of the story (that's still in progress), have faith and hold firm to that light of Christ. Most things won't turn out the way you want them to. But we all have the choice to interpret these waves as curses or blessings. If we choose the latter, each and every moment can be beautiful. Good things come to those with hope and faith.

Feet pushing over that flattened sage

Curb to curb leaps where time stops

Living in a movie with no third act

Soak it all in and never look back

P081510PS-0125
Originally uploaded by The White House

Untitled

These simple hands can't transcribe the mysteries of the world. And this mind can't pick apart the intricacies of our culture. But in this windowless office I sit and attempt to break the pardigms of the universe.

Wheels roll against the uneven pavement with such fervor that the piece of wood they're attached to wobbles with a steady unsteadiness. The passengers'feet grip the top of the board as he breezes past others.
Anxious intensity runs through his veins at moments. Surrounded by such stock religious imagery, he doesn't quite feel like he should fit into the mold. But somewhere within, beyond all of his cultural identity, he wonders if he is simply overly dismissive, a youthful youth, an inexpiernced adolescent.

I look at him and see a portion of myself. That subtle rebelliousness. To fall in line with things would be contradictory to my constitution! But then you slowly realize that the change you so despise is not giving in. It is not an easy way out. It's putting faith and trust in something that brings peace and beauty. It's a promise of things to come. And if you live it the right way, it's a more unique perception of yourself than you've ever held.
"He that is ready to slip with his feet is as a lamp despised in the thought of him that is at ease." (job 12:5)

outside

stream of (sub)consciousness

This half strand of christmas lights illuminates the living room with a dull glow. I'm sitting here with a stack of graham crackers asking myself if I should climb to the roof or not. Up there, you can see every star in the sky. And if there's enough of a moon, the mountains glow a purple splendor. It's funny how she's become such a normal part of my life. And I don't say that casually. Take her out of the question and I would be left with an unquenchable void. I want her here for it all. This stuck out to me today: "For we are but of yesterday, and know nothing, because our days upon earth are a shadow" (Job 8:9). I am happy in a place where I can sit silently in a room with the girl and my best friend, music softly floating through the speakers. And even in these lonely late early morning hours, I am comforted by a peace that comes with knowledge of truth. I think I'll go to the roof.

Belushi doing Joe Cocker never gets old...ever.

Home

"Home"

Stop by if you're ever in the area.

Doc

I haven't updated in so long. Too long.

But my leather journal has been alive and well. I wonder why that is? I don't have anything I'm keeping from the world, but lately I've felt more inclined to scratch my pen across its lined pages.

I've found myself completely taken by the images that surround me. I'm still absorbing it all. The idea that I'm in a new place, with a new life is still something I have to digest regularly. But in many ways, I am used to it already. I've always felt a calm when surrounded by those towering mountains. It's perpetual shadow in my eyes is now a constant sense of peace in my life.
I'm used to these people. I have this eternal perspective, more here than I ever did before.

_______________________________

Dr. Maranville shifts in his seat. I see his eyes dart back and forth beneath the dark sunglasses. The room is quiet as "Reed" spouts out the words in a mechanized tone he's grown accustomed to hearing. The automated voice reads a case study on business management. His back is arched and his face shows a placid expression of concentration.
We leave his office and he takes my elbow. On the way to a seminar, we speak of career, college, and faith. His words resonate with me long after I leave for the day. They are words from a father to someone else's son. Though blind, he's managed to become almost completely self-sufficient. He has his PHD and is still taking classes, along with the ones he already teaches. There seems to be no end to his will power.
I stare at him as he feels his way across the room confidently even in this unfamiliar place. He laughs when he accidentally knocks over a trash can. To have the ability to completely accept his earthly circumstance with faith and humility is a constant reminder that I can always strive to live more patiently.
I have such a strong conviction of this faith but it pales in comparison to someone who must fully understand the future blessings of keeping faith in the now as well as the future.
Later that day, he leans over to me, "Never let go of your testimony, Austin. Don't forget that Spirit you've felt. Don't let the culture out here dispel that sense...God brought us together for a reason."