The Austin Chronicles

New video!

2011-03-20T01:49:00.000-05:00

This was my Winter Break...

Muskegon Witch Hunt

2011-03-19T13:56:00.007-05:00

“Mr. Emory knew what he was doing. Everybody says he’s a good kid, he’s a good kid... but he’s done something...very vile to children...Where’s his morals? He has none after doing this.”
-Stephen Hellman, father of one of the victims

On January 12, 2011, Evan Emory, a 21-year-old amateur musician, entered a Muskegon County, Michigan elementary school and sung a few songs to a class of first-graders while a friend filmed the event. He arranged the show through the school administrators claiming he would use the footage “as a portion of his portfolio to help him gain admission to a Big Ten School of Education.” What they didn’t know was that he would later film a different song called, “The Naughty Song” while the children and teachers were absent from the room. The song featured very explicit lyrics that were not suitable for children. And yet Emory set to work editing the two videos together, omitting the “nice” songs with the sexually explicit one. The end result made it seem as if he had sung “The Naughty Song” to the children, their reactions included in the video. He uploaded the video onto Youtube and a few weeks later concerned parents phone calls started flowing in to the school offices.

On February 15, Emory was charged with “manufacturing child sexual abusive material,” a 20-year felony. Emory violated a portion of the Michigan Child Pornography penal code that addresses a person who “persuades, induces, entices, coerces, causes, or knowingly allows a child to engage in a child sexually abusive activity for the purpose of producing any child sexually abusive material.” This is the idea Muskegon County Prosecutor, Tony Tague, is running with. But to accurately decide his case, “abusive activity” must be defined. The Michigan law is vague and overbroad, just as its federal predecessor, the Child Pornography Prevention Act of 1996. CPPA prohibited images that "appear to be" children engaged in sexual activity or "convey the impression" that the images depict minors engaged in sexual activity. The Supreme Court ruled that these provisions were overbroad and threatening to first amendment rights and thus, unconstitutional (Ashcroft v. Free Speech Coalition 2002). The Michigan law has a very familiar CPPA-ring to it. The law would work in taking down the traditional child sex offender but leaves too much undefined room for addressing an indirect threat like Emory.

Is it fair to charge Emory with a felony when he gave fair warning in the beginning and ending credits that the children “were not actually used in the performance” of the song? There are other examples of the “comedic routine” he put on in popular culture. In recent years, many comedians have used the illusion of editing to make it seem like they are performing their routine, which is usually inappropriate, in front of naïve children. In a 2004 episode of The Chappelle Show, a segment called “Kneehigh Park” shows children learning about sex and drugs in a very explicit manner. At one point, a puppet shows its penis in the vicinity of a group of unsuspecting kids. Their gross-out reaction follows. While Emory’s lyrics were lewd, they were nowhere near the physical/verbal content of the Chapelle’s Show episode. How is it that a 21-year-old college musician is slammed with the possibility of registering as a sex offender and spending 20 years in prison but Dave Chappelle can still air the sketch in reruns and online video libraries? The answer comes down to power and money. If Evan Emory was financially capable of taking the matter to appeals court, I am confident he would come out on top.

On March 14, 2011, Evan Emory pleaded no contest to a reduced felony count to Muskegon County 14th Circuit Judge William C. Marietti. The plea deal requires him to serve 60 days in jail, two years of probation, and 200 hours of community service. After a successful probation, Emory will be allowed to plead to a misdemeanor instead of a felony.

The Evan Emory case brings to light many of the undefined obscenity laws of our country at a federal and state level. There is too much undefined space. The result is that laws are used for the wrong reasons. While I think the actions he took were in complete distaste, they were not worthy of all he's had to go through. Evan Emory is not a sex offender.
Parents like Stephen Hellman ought to be more upset with the school for allowing a stranger to film his child in a video he was unaware of rather than the editing which made it look suggestive.

Love this...song and music video

2011-03-02T16:46:00.001-05:00

A Modern Day Church - Pt. 2

2011-03-01T20:08:00.003-05:00

In some ways, this is a continuation of my previous post "A Modern Day Church" dated Friday, October 15, 2010

Someone prompted me to share my views on the LDS Church's view of same-gender attraction. I figured I would repost my response here just so I had it for my own records (it was a facebook comment).

First, his comment:

I respect that you have an opposing viewpoint, and appreciate the why, its just that currently the conclusions that the church has come to are having a VERY negative effect on LGBT's perceived self value and causing permanent damage to ...their self esteem and a huge strain on their social life and many of them are turning to suicide as their only option, and I find that to be terrible.

I don't see this as a Church standing against societal pressure. I see this as a Church being stubborn when a SERIOUS problem is plaguing the people when their methods and dogma are having terrible results.

Your first paragraph is basically saying: Despite the fact that the results continue to be so negative, the Prophets know what they are talking about and you should follow them anyways blindly.

But yet when Prophets have made mistakes in the past, we are then told, "Oh, well in that instance they were just acting as men" Which is a cop out. Why do you expect us to sustain a Prophet in everything they say, when later we can find out that they DO have human flaws? Couldn't this be one of those times that they are wrong because they are human?

Brigham Young said that black people WOULD NEVER hold the priesthood, and that if they did it would be the end of the church. Now obviously it is clear that this was wrong. But they could have just as easily demanded that everyone sustain him at the time, because he's the prophet.

Interestingly you should know that the Church actually made edits to Packers talk after he gave it, and before publishing it on the Internet and Ensigns. This shows you that even currently the Church is aware that its apostles, in this case Packer, are capable of making mistakes. And we are just supposed to sustain them no matter what?

All I'm saying is that I strongly feel that the Church is wrong on this issue, and causing permanent damage, and sorry if I'm not willing to just sustain a person despite witnessing the destruction what they say is causing. I attend weekly meetings held on campus where many openly gay Mormons discuss how they feel about the issue, and its really clear that there is a problem, and the problem ISN'T that they just want to get away with sin. I have attended lectures demonstrating some pretty definitive and backed up scientific evidence that this is something that they are born with, and cannot be "cured". And I have seen the terrifying statistics of youth suicide that are a direct result of the current attitude towards homosexuality.

Anyways, I AM getting really preachy now, and am making some big claims. But yeah, just trying to let you know where I'm coming from. And basically that guy's blog fails to answer all of my questions, and I'm not going to sustain ANYTHING until my questions are sufficiently answered.

"We are to stand by our convictions without forcing them upon others." - Well I strongly felt that the Church's influence on Prop 8 was in fact, forcing their convictions on others.

You have the right to believe how you believe, the only reason I speak out against it is because of what I just mentioned about forcing your convictions on others, and the damage I have personally witnessed it causing to others. That I can't abide.

My Response

I want to respond with a few clarifying points:

1. I really do value your opinion. I Do. I think there is a sense of homophobia running rampant throughout the Church membership. And it MUST stop. It has caused far too much harm. By becoming more educated and understanding of others, we can reverse that trend that sends so many with same gender attraction into a depressed inactive state, usually resulting in leaving the Church.

2. All GAs edit their talks a week after conference. Because their talks go on to publishing in Church magazines and for use by the media and most importantly, the members.

3. No, prophets are not perfect. They are human beings with human minds prone to error. BUT, they have been given authority and inspiration from Jesus Christ through their ordination to that calling. That is my belief and testimony.
In regards to Declaration 2 (Blacks gaining the priesthood), it states:

"As we have witnessed the expansion of the work of the Lord over the earth, we have been grateful that people of many nations have responded to the message of the restored gospel, and have joined the Church in ever-increasing numbers. This, in turn, has inspired us with a desire to extend to every worthy member of the Church all of the privileges and blessings, which the gospel affords."

The key point to be made lies within "This, in turn, has inspired us with a desire". The inspiration mentioned was collectively felt by all members of the 12 and First Presidency. They saw a doctrinal issue and all collectively felt inspired to clarify it. The same idea needs to be applied to the idea of same-gender attraction. If the brethren sought inspiration from the Lord, which they have made evident to us, I will listen to their counsel. That's the organization of this Church and the way Heavenly Father communicates with us.

Nothing in the Church can be ratified without the collective approval of all of the 12. If an issue is still at odds, it will not be pushed through in any form. I'm assuming Declaration 2 had its debut in one of the meetings the 12 and First Presidency has each Thursday morning on the 4th floor of The SLC Temple where they discuss doctrine and at times, revelation. And so it is my belief, through this Church and it's organization, that these principles are completely and 100 percent inspired revelation.
Who are we to say how the Lord wishes to carry out his Church?

If we follow Heavenly Father's counsel, we will be blessed:
"Let your soul be at rest concerning your spiritual standing, and resist no more my voice." (DC 108: 2)

The doctrine of marriage and chastity always has been. It has been in the books since the beginning of this Church. The stance the Church takes is nothing new, no succumbing to modern trends or pressures. The Proclamation of the Family merely restated things.

Finally, I just want to say that I don't come here to argue. I don't think arguing is productive in any way. And I don't feel like we have in any way. I've appreciated your well-thought out points and I'm glad that we're able to discuss these things the way we do. All too often, I see people on both sides of the fence shouting at each other. It's ridiculous and it hurts everyone involved. If we learned to be more accepting of all of our brothers and sisters, we would be that much closer to Christ.

Before I converted to the Church, I was involved in the Gay Rights movement. I marched on DC, I ran a campus organization...so this issue was absolutely critical to me when I made the decision to join the Church. But as I saw myself turning from my previous views that cast the Church as the enemy and started to pray and embrace the Gospel, I had my spiritual confirmation that I was joining Christ's Church on earth. It was hard, and still is hard.

I have gay friends who are members of the Church (and those who are not) and I respect them. I may align with the Church, but this does not mean I look down on them in any way. I love them and wish them the best in their own personal faith. More importantly, Heavenly Father does the same, but with a love that is incomprehensible.

Revival

2010-12-08T17:46:00.005-05:00

I've been very introspective lately. I found myself going back through old writings and old blog posts, combing through past thoughts and feelings.

What I've seen most are the short film ideas I had written down at work. I read through them now for the first time since they flowed from my excited fingers a year or two ago. They are all quite revealing of my intentions, my passions, and the unrequited love I happened to be involved in at the time. I wanted to live vicariously through the characters I spoke of. I wanted love, security, and faith. The characters were always looking for something more...something that they could never find. They all get thrown into formidable situations beyond their control. And rather than thrive, they get sucked under. Some of them have luck in the end, but it's always by chance, and it's always unsuspecting.

I came across one unpublished post (draft) from January 2009 that simply states:
"This past Thanksgiving and Christmas marked the first times I realized I was an adult."

I remember that Christmas. I had a lot on my mind. I remember getting drunk a few days before leaving home for the Holidays. I was becoming a regular drinker (nothing crazy). Though in high school, I was a staunch opponent of even going to the parties where cheap beer flowed like water. I had a crush on a girl who I knew I would get eventually. I wanted to have a serious committed relationship with her...and I thought my chances were good (it fizzled out after nothing more than a kiss or two). I started to recognize the world around me as being endless with possibility. I could do anything. All throughout the break I told myself I was formally becoming initiated as an "adult" into this world. It was strange to come back into my previous life so soon after I had made these realizations within.

There is another one from March of this year:
"I know it's standard to be uncertain about your future in college. I get that.
But I just worry"

I still catch this thought every so often. But not nearly in the way I used to. Moving out to Utah was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I know my direction now. I have a tentative career path in a field where I'm not compromising my passions. I no longer want to make films for a living...but it's been replaced with something far more reaching into the depths of my appetite for life: helping others directly (cliche? yes. something I've found complete passion for? also, yes).

I feel like I have a taste of what I've always wanted. I have a faith that means everything to me, an understanding of my place in the universe, and a girl that I love. I'm not completely fulfilled because then I'd have no reason to continue living on earth. But for the first time ever, I'm not afraid to look at my prospective future. And I don't miss drinking either...

there's a waning moment in time
when the people slow down
the sun sets over the lake
my lungs breath in the cold air
and I know I'm alive

a wise man once said,
Dear God I see you move the mountains
Dear God I see you moving trees
Sometimes it’s nothing to believe in
Sometimes it’s everything I see

Zoe

2010-11-29T18:18:00.005-05:00

Every so often, I feel like I should write something in here. But I always end up writing it in my notebook instead.
It's strange, really. It used to be that I couldn't bring myself to write anything unless it was on my blog. I liked knowing that people read what I wrote...even if it was only a few friends. And I still like that feeling. But these past few months, I've found myself meticulously recording every notable raw thought that comes to my mind. I'm writing more now than I ever have before. I've accumulated 3 notebooks (and 1 small pocket-size book) which are filled cover to cover with insights and messy bus handwriting emotion. At the rate I'm going, I'll be consuming four 192 page notebooks per year.

I like that idea. I like knowing that I'll have a bookcase shelf solely devoted to my raw thoughts. It's something I look forward to sharing with my future kids. Every so often, I find myself paging back, examining the changes I've made and the opinions I had. It's a humbling, tender moment. And each time, I see the way God has worked in my life...in miraculous ways. I've seen prayers answered and truths restored. I've seen those moments of complete peace and those moments of confusion and anxiety.
To look back in this fashion is to move forward. Each new entry I make is a building block to becoming the person I strive to be.

Dated 7/9/2009:
"I'm so thankful for the many things I've picked up from exploring a small portion of the Mormon faith...I just want to continue with this 'uncertain' faith journey. I feel like the small euphoria I felt when exploring the Mormon faith was only because of the roadtrip and hanging out with Alex, speaking of faith, etc."

It wasn't just the roadtrip.

I've found more truth and beauty than I ever could have imagined in the months following. And somehow, I continue to build upon this notion even more each day. That warm whisper of the conviction of my faith rises with me each morning. Somehow, I can read the same scriptures over and over and yet I still find new truths.

I'm not a religious zealot. I haven't been brainwashed.
In those months leading up to my conversion, I asked, over and over again if this was true. And I stand here today not having to ask anymore. I know that it is. I can't even begin to put that conviction into words. But when I kneel each night, I know Someone is listening. When I smile I know Someone else is smiling. When I see the beauty of this earth, I know the hands that sculpted its majesty.

And so this leads me to the ultimate point I'm trying to make...Write. Pick up the pen and paper, the word document or blog entry...
There are so many things I'm thankful for: my Heavenly Father, my family, my Natalie, and my words. I look back and see all of the ways I've been blessed throughout these tattered notebooks.
But what I see the most is God's love for us all.

Stardust

2010-11-10T18:46:00.001-05:00

Do you ever have those days when you’re just numb to everything?

Those days are a conundrum of human existence.
It’s those days when nothing seems to please your human senses. No person, no taste, no sound, no music can seem to pull you permanently out of your lack of inspiration.

I’m never content with just reasoning that I’m “in a bad mood”.

I must dissect potential causes in my head over the span of many hours. I wallow. I look for that opportunity to pull myself up, that leverage from the rut.

And then, just as I’m winding myself up for further disappointment, I stop…

And its as if my mind leaps out my brain and into the sky. I breathe. This barred mindset is suddenly under foot and I’m free of all uninspired thinking.
And I hear Sinatra playing from the bottom of a deep well in my soul.

A Modern Day Church

2010-10-15T14:51:00.002-05:00

I wrote this recently in a letter to a friend. It's a response to the increasingly hostile views towards the LDS Church and its doctrine regarding Gay Marriage. This blog is more directed towards members of the Church who may be more familiar with its doctrine...

_______________________

...Regarding conference, I was also struck by the numerous times "The 14 Elements of Prophets" (originally by Benson) was referred to. There was a lot about sustaining the Prophet and having faith that our Church is a covenant church (and remembering that covenant amidst the many persuasive secular voices of the world).

I thought it was especially important to hear in these times when the Church is under so much pressure regarding issues such as Prop 8 and gay rights. Many members find it hard to strike a balance between aligning with the issues of the world and sustaining the Prophet and Church's direction.

That being said, Pres. Packer's controversial talk was so important for members to hear. I was one of the many who was praying and searching for the appropriate way to balance my faith and political views. Packer put it bluntly, as he always has, claiming that the Church would never waver against pressure to change its core doctrine. I had never thought of it in that way. But it makes complete sense. The Church cannot and will not change an integral part of the doctrine given to us directly from Jesus Christ and the scriptures.
At first, I was offended. I thought Packer had no right to say something so bluntly. It didn't seem fair to draw a line in the sand. Especially in light of the media attention gay suicides have been getting. And I think that's why people were so offended. They thought the timing was wrong. I had a friend who told me they didn't want that "unloving mindset" dirtying the waters of a faith they belong to.
But as I prayed and pondered about my reaction, I realized that he was provoking people to do just as I had done, reevaluate our faith in what we know. It was a hard message to hear for some, but it was nothing more than a restatement of the Family Proclamation.

And it is a message of love...and of hope. I think this guy puts it best, and he's a Mormon who happens to be Gay,
http://gaymormonguy.blogspot.com/2010/10/president-packers-talk-from-gay-mormon.html?spref=fb

As my LDS Church History Institute teacher put it, "We can be loving disciples without watering down doctrine." This means we are to be as loving and UNDERSTANDING as possible. We are not to call out people on ways we may disagree with. We are to stand by our convictions without forcing them upon others.

We Latter-day Saints have always been misunderstood and persecuted. Since our very beginnings, we have been persecuted and in many instances run out of town (and even states) by protesters and a secular world. Our doctrine has always been misunderstood because it requires much deeper thought and scriptural backing than the average non-member (or member in some cases) wants to spend time on. Which is understandable. We can't just expect people to be well versed in our doctrine. We must expect this sort of mainstream backlash by now. The Church knows what its talking about not only because it is led by Jesus Christ, but also because it has dealt with issues like this for nearly two centuries.

_______________________

I don't mean to sound self-righteous throughout all of this. I just want people to understand why we believe the things we do. I'm not any better than any other person in this world.

TUMBLR

2010-10-07T17:00:00.005-05:00

For whatever reason, I've found it much more fulfilling to write in my notebook lately.
I don't feel the need to write as often in here as I used to.
I still plan on writing here every so often but for now, I think it will be easier to update using tumblr. Soooo here goes something:
theaustinchronicles.tumblr.com

Long Distance Assurance

2010-10-04T20:02:00.003-05:00

That old crow flows overhead each street I cross. I don't question the world because it's been know to run down many a man. So I'll just continue on this inclined path I push each foot against. Mark each step with an exasperated breath and I feel the pulse of that mended peace.

Take the church out of it. Take the people out of it. Take the scripture out of it. And I'm left running towards the purest love I've ever felt. I know where my base is. And I know where I'm heading next. I put all of those elements back in mid-step and I find my feelings haven't changed in the slightest.

Update(s)

2010-09-28T00:12:00.006-05:00

So lately, life has been a beautiful conundrum of life choices.

Do you ever have those days (sometimes even weeks) where you just sit back and think, "Whoa...I'm living. And I have work to do. And I have to get a job with my degree. And I'll have a family in future years?!"

It's daunting to think about. But after the initial shock and worry, you may find yourself humbled. There are just so many decisions to be made, and lives to touch. I don't understand how I'll make it through it all.

But even on the surface I know that everything will fall into place if I let it.

_________________________________

Also can I just leave for a mission already?
But I'm also REALLY looking forward to the coming months. I don't know if I'd actually go any earlier than this summer. There's too much to experience leading up to that point.

_________________________________

I would also like to point out that I found this ad...

Studies show Russian girls are very attracted to Western Men.

Oh Sister

2010-09-21T16:05:00.002-05:00

My eyes itch with a sudden intensity
This dry air lays heavy against me
But a silent smile reaches far across my face
Her voice is a welcome breath of air from Ohio

She giggles while dancing in an illuminated living room
Warmth is swelling within
The blue sky above makes me feel closer than 1600 miles
The call soon ends and I'm left searching the horizon

A Western sun falls down the back of my neck
I am thankful for the beauty of the far reaching landscape
That mid-afternoon veil lays heavy over the mountains
I am constantly humbled by simplicity

2008

2010-09-20T23:38:00.012-05:00

"My memories start to wander off
Come to me the remembrance of
My way back home"

(band of horses)

Welcome to me 2 years ago:

"I worry so much about what others think of me. I'm constantly trying to mold myself into a presentable human being only to come off as awkward and funny at confrontations. I worry that if I ever truly love someone, I'll scare them away because of how passionate I am about them...within the first few weeks of the relationship.
I run everyday now and try to eat healthier but I still want to loose more weight. I feel like if I do that, I can cut out that whole body image part of my internal thoughts.
I feel like I am so naive to the world. People my age have experienced death, poverty, sex, drugs, divorced parents. I'm not wishing any of this upon myself, or anyone else but I do feel guilty when I complain about my self to my self."

Isn't it so strange to look back when we're this young? Two years seems like such a long time ago. That's like 15 years in "youth years". We experience so much change and adaptation in these times.

I always knew there was more. I had that instinctual feeling that there was something more to attain. I worried about girls, God, and food (not in that order). I worried I'd never find someone I could sit quietly with and feel completely content. I worried that God was dead and I was a pawn in a pointless life. I worried because food was such a priority to me haha.

I remember each night praying for a direction if there was any. I prayed to know if there was any truth out there. I wanted to know God personally. I wanted to believe. But I couldn't bring myself to "align" with anything. I could only view it as conformity. But then I woke up one day thinking I should go to Church again...this time at that Mormon Church in Hebron. I can still remember how uneasy I felt sitting in my car in the parking lot. But then I walked in and I felt a sense of peace. I remember hearing someone quote Mosiah 18: 10-11 and my heart literally flipped in my chest. I didn't understand why until I read it again.

I found my peace. I found my truth I always hoped and prayed for.

Later, after many setbacks, I found this girl. And to put it simply, I don't worry about anything when I'm with her. And she inspires me with each and every new day.

The food thing...yeah...I still eat more cereal than any human being should. But it's whatever.

Moral of the story (that's still in progress), have faith and hold firm to that light of Christ. Most things won't turn out the way you want them to. But we all have the choice to interpret these waves as curses or blessings. If we choose the latter, each and every moment can be beautiful. Good things come to those with hope and faith.

Feet pushing over that flattened sage

Curb to curb leaps where time stops

Living in a movie with no third act

Soak it all in and never look back

2010-09-20T23:38:00.001-05:00

P081510PS-0125
Originally uploaded by The White House

Untitled

2010-09-13T12:20:00.003-05:00

These simple hands can't transcribe the mysteries of the world. And this mind can't pick apart the intricacies of our culture. But in this windowless office I sit and attempt to break the pardigms of the universe.

Wheels roll against the uneven pavement with such fervor that the piece of wood they're attached to wobbles with a steady unsteadiness. The passengers'feet grip the top of the board as he breezes past others.
Anxious intensity runs through his veins at moments. Surrounded by such stock religious imagery, he doesn't quite feel like he should fit into the mold. But somewhere within, beyond all of his cultural identity, he wonders if he is simply overly dismissive, a youthful youth, an inexpiernced adolescent.

I look at him and see a portion of myself. That subtle rebelliousness. To fall in line with things would be contradictory to my constitution! But then you slowly realize that the change you so despise is not giving in. It is not an easy way out. It's putting faith and trust in something that brings peace and beauty. It's a promise of things to come. And if you live it the right way, it's a more unique perception of yourself than you've ever held.
"He that is ready to slip with his feet is as a lamp despised in the thought of him that is at ease." (job 12:5)

outside

2010-09-06T05:00:00.002-05:00

stream of (sub)consciousness

2010-09-06T04:31:00.002-05:00

This half strand of christmas lights illuminates the living room with a dull glow. I'm sitting here with a stack of graham crackers asking myself if I should climb to the roof or not. Up there, you can see every star in the sky. And if there's enough of a moon, the mountains glow a purple splendor. It's funny how she's become such a normal part of my life. And I don't say that casually. Take her out of the question and I would be left with an unquenchable void. I want her here for it all. This stuck out to me today: "For we are but of yesterday, and know nothing, because our days upon earth are a shadow" (Job 8:9). I am happy in a place where I can sit silently in a room with the girl and my best friend, music softly floating through the speakers. And even in these lonely late early morning hours, I am comforted by a peace that comes with knowledge of truth. I think I'll go to the roof.

Belushi doing Joe Cocker never gets old...ever.

Home

2010-09-05T00:02:00.002-05:00

"Home"

Stop by if you're ever in the area.

Doc

2010-09-04T23:23:00.003-05:00

I haven't updated in so long. Too long.

But my leather journal has been alive and well. I wonder why that is? I don't have anything I'm keeping from the world, but lately I've felt more inclined to scratch my pen across its lined pages.

I've found myself completely taken by the images that surround me. I'm still absorbing it all. The idea that I'm in a new place, with a new life is still something I have to digest regularly. But in many ways, I am used to it already. I've always felt a calm when surrounded by those towering mountains. It's perpetual shadow in my eyes is now a constant sense of peace in my life.
I'm used to these people. I have this eternal perspective, more here than I ever did before.

_______________________________

Dr. Maranville shifts in his seat. I see his eyes dart back and forth beneath the dark sunglasses. The room is quiet as "Reed" spouts out the words in a mechanized tone he's grown accustomed to hearing. The automated voice reads a case study on business management. His back is arched and his face shows a placid expression of concentration.
We leave his office and he takes my elbow. On the way to a seminar, we speak of career, college, and faith. His words resonate with me long after I leave for the day. They are words from a father to someone else's son. Though blind, he's managed to become almost completely self-sufficient. He has his PHD and is still taking classes, along with the ones he already teaches. There seems to be no end to his will power.
I stare at him as he feels his way across the room confidently even in this unfamiliar place. He laughs when he accidentally knocks over a trash can. To have the ability to completely accept his earthly circumstance with faith and humility is a constant reminder that I can always strive to live more patiently.
I have such a strong conviction of this faith but it pales in comparison to someone who must fully understand the future blessings of keeping faith in the now as well as the future.
Later that day, he leans over to me, "Never let go of your testimony, Austin. Don't forget that Spirit you've felt. Don't let the culture out here dispel that sense...God brought us together for a reason."

Untitled

2010-08-18T22:35:00.003-05:00

She sits silently and I see the wheels begin to churn in her mind.
The water passes through our feet silently and all the world is alive, moving with the slow breeze.
She turns to me and makes note of the beauty of God's creation, the dynamic relationship nature has with itself.

The lowly trees which dip into the waters while still anchored in the riverbank, the orange glow of the evening sun spread throughout the high branches, the chill of the pellucid Provo River against our toes.

I stare at her at she looks back out into the wilderness. That same stirring swirl begins to take place in her head...she smiles to herself and we both sit in a beautiful silence.

"LOOK" OUT WORLD! LOLz!!

2010-08-11T17:51:00.004-05:00

yo yo yoooooooo

Igotsumglasses.

(I only had contacts before)

Sitting on a Mountain

2010-08-11T03:20:00.002-05:00

I don't deserve this.

I don't deserve the low tree limbs scratching the dry grass.
I don't deserve the quiet wind blowing through my hair.
I don't deserve second chances.
I don't deserve the sunlight dancing with the shadows.
I don't deserve this perfectly shaped rock I sit upon.
I don't deserve the blessings an inconsistent faith brings.
I don't deserve the love that radiates from her voice.
I don't deserve to capture another perfect sunset falling in the Western sky.
I don't deserve the beauty of my family.
I don't deserve eternal love.

I think I'm finally coming to understand this whole Atonement thing...

Sharon in Salt Lake

2010-08-06T15:43:00.006-05:00

Everything Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings touch turns to gold.

Last night was one of the best shows I've seen in a long time. We danced for about 2 hours straight...so did Sharon.

I wasn't going to post this but.....

2010-08-06T02:07:00.000-05:00

First off, I'm posting this for posterity:
"The LDS Church did not make a direct contribution to ProtectMarriage.com, the Prop. 8 campaign. But it did send a letter to each LDS congregation in California asking Mormons to give time and money to support it. A church spokesman told media that the church estimated the value of its non-monetary, in-kind contributions at $189,900 — less than 1 percent of the total funds donated to the "Yes on 8" campaign, which raised $40 million."

Prop 8 was overturned in California today.
What followed was a slew of facebook statuses in bitter thanksgiving, many throwing down the religious opposition as if they were unlearned bigots.
It made me silent. I've rarely spoken on the issue from the side of the "religious bigots".
I became a bit nervous for the Church and for my heavy past involvement with the gay rights movement. I saw some things directed at me or at the very least alluding to me and my new set of beliefs.
How do you respond to this?
You don't. Not directly anyways. I refuse to create conflict. Especially on the internet or in a public forum.

I have my beliefs. You have yours. I'm sorry that they don't always mix. But I will never shut you out. I will listen and respect you.
I know what I know. And what I know is what I've experienced.
I didn't quit anything. I didn't intend to create divisions. I went forth with what I know is right. I'm not a creature of habit. I don't follow orders blindly. I listen to that burning sense of truth that I feel. I follow the peace and understanding that is not a part of my worldly mind, but a part of the core of my soul.
My Savior has always been here. It's just recently that I have noticed His love and guidance.

I am sorrowful for California.
Not because I hate gay people.
Not because I am homophobic.
Not because I follow orders blindly.
None of those represent me.

I am sorrowful because others have not come to know the truth that is within the Church.
I've grown a testimony of the institute of marriage and its divine nature between a man and a woman. I may have thought differently in the past. But that was merely because I followed the ways of man, or rather, the rhetoric of a world that every day takes a firm stance against the Christian beliefs and morals we are ROOTED in.

Since then, I have found true truth. I have experienced God's all-knowing hand. I've come to know it, feeling Him work within my life and the lives of others.

So because of this, I believe in His Church. I believe in His church because it is through His church that I truly came to know Him. Never before have I come to know so intimately the will and love of God. I believe in His prophets, which he has placed on earth from the very beginning.
Through the scriptures and the prophets, God has revealed to us His commandments on marriage.

Why then would he let Prop 8 be overturned?
HE did not let it be overturned. It was the stubborn ways of man that seem to only further pervert the true ways of God. It has been written. It has been spoken. It has come about numerous times in the history of mankind.
In scripture, we see God's people survive many hardships, oppositions, and wars. But we also see His people fall to these causes in many instances.
Through these victories against God's commandments, we only gain a better idea of the significance and responsibility we have in upholding them. Christ's Church has never and will never fall from the earth. Man may create opposition...but through Christ, we believers endure to the end.

I watch the isolated Utah thunderstorms pass over the silhouetted mountain-tops. I can't help but remember that after the storm, there is peace...the woeful storm only nurtures the ground below.

(Please keep in mind that these are my opinions. I do not write this to provoke conflict, this is merely my outlet for thoughts, feelings and beliefs.)

Reverie #7

2010-07-27T08:59:00.003-05:00

I walk home from a run down the street
My mind is empty, my thoughts blind
How am I to think
When I am waiting for it all to begin?
My lips are sticky my breath is hot
And as I turn the corner I'm struck
Struck by a flood of evening sun
At first I merely catch my breath
But its when my feet begin to shuffle
That I lift my head to the sky

There are no questions
Just the wave of golden slumber impressed
I drift in between the shadows of trees above
My mind is nowhere to be found
It is running rampant in a wild field
It is soaking in the sage, tree-lined horizon
It is falling from the heavens
Earthy thoughts are shattered
I am dreaming a dream of dreams

How can I worry
When the wind presses against my eyes
How can I worry
When all denotes that you surround me
How can I worry
When warmth cradles my head
How can I worry
When tree-lined streets exist

Now I am on the bus
It's difficult to steady your arm on the rumbling steel jutting from the floor
I am tranquil
The open window beside me
Blows in the gusts from passing traffic
I smile as the breeze drips down to my soul
_____________________________________

Barry Rowen continues to amaze me with his work. This is absolutely phenomenal.
It's such a personal piece, but its impossible not to empathize with.

Dreaming from Barry Rowen on Vimeo.

Reverie #6

2010-07-26T09:24:00.005-05:00

Against all odds, a weary smile on her face
A Roman Tribune in a time of revolution
A mystical being surrounded by plainness
A tip of tip of the hat to uninterested strangers

Mrs. Whitehouse glides through the crowds with grace
Thoughts of adversity are as blossoming rosebuds

A world without ties
Anything is possible with a wide brimmed hat
And the ears of an unsuspecting victim of truth
All things come to pass

Do you not realize Atlas can stumble?
Has not the thought of failure entered your mind?

Yet the tidal wave retreats back to sea
And the concerto plays on
God's hand dost prevail
A worried mind is pacified

I stand on broken ground amidst this earth
But I faithfully stand as I have since birth

Just come on home...

2010-07-23T12:56:00.002-05:00

I thank God most for the sky...
That we may dip into its brilliance and wonder by simply glancing above...
It truly is the greatest blessing we have on earth.
__________________________________

22 letters to go until she's home.

Quelling the demons: or I'm sitting on a bus thinking

2010-07-20T11:11:00.003-05:00

So take your bottles and smile at their transparent glow
So take that handle and throw it down your throat
Life and love are so much clearer
As you push back the truths with denial

I commend you on your decisions
To put off the inevitable
I can't wait to watch you fall
So that you may realize

I'm happy to see you've found your way
Down a wide road of faux righteousness
I've seen it before
You're cutting at your own fingers

It just got personal
The riding the edge, the pacifying demons
It all weighs down on your fellowmen
Go on, do what you've gotta do
____________________________________________________

Oh and also...I'm a little obsessed with this song:

Oh hey, watch this!

2010-07-17T22:07:00.000-05:00

Just finished editing...

Cross Country Roadtrip 2010 from Austin Dressman on Vimeo.

The End of Mosiac Law

2010-07-11T19:23:00.011-05:00

Did you hear about that woman in Iran who was recently condemned to a public stoning on the charges of adultery?

It truly is amazing to find remnants of Mosiac law still taking place in this day in age. Jesus Christ tells us that he is the new standard...Mosiac law is over, no more animal sacrifices, no more stonings, etc (see mosiac law link above).

2000 years wasn't really all that long ago. I'm so thankful for a perception built by the precepts of the restored Gospel. It's amazing to read or hear people conversing about theology and see how much it all fits in to the restoration. I just sat through dinner with my Dad and uncle talking about faith and their frustrations with the Catholic Church. So it raised a lot of old thoughts in my mind when I was first checking out the LDS Church. Once you understand the restoration, there is no going back. It's the only way you can see things from that point on. It's a beautiful thing. As promised, living it only brings about happiness.
I'm in love with God's deft hand.

I love this girl.

2010-07-10T12:57:00.006-05:00

Oh hey everyone, meet my girlfriend, Natalie.

caption: "~i luv picnik ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ~LOL JK ROFL ha haaa"

She edits pictures with picnik and listens to Shakira.

Jealous?

Humility

2010-07-09T13:49:00.005-05:00

Two important things I've been trying live by recently (both quotes from the same talk by Elder James B. Martino)

1.) "We may never know in this life why we face what we do, but we can feel confident that we can grow from the experience.

Now, I realize that it is much easier to look back when a trial is over and see what we have learned from our experience, but the challenge is to gain that eternal perspective while we are going through our tests. To some, our trials may not seem great, but to each of us who are passing through these experiences, the trials are real and require us to humble ourselves before God and learn from Him.
...a small amount of pain now will protect them from possible pain and suffering in the future. Our Father in Heaven knows the end from the beginning. We need to follow the example of the Savior and trust in Him."

2.) “I believe the Savior is telling us that unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives. Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up and figuratively lose their lives, while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish—and in effect save their lives.”
-President Thomas S. Monson

2010-07-07T00:49:00.002-05:00

I've been laughing so hard at this guys videos that my mom thought I was crying at one point...from downstairs in the basement.

My jaw hurts...this guy is the best youtube user EVER.

THATS A WHOLE RAINBOW MAN. AHHHHHH!!!!

This dude is so happy...I'm so happy for him.

Newport Evenings

2010-07-06T10:18:00.002-05:00

Newport at 5:24 pm

Sidewalk heroes jump the curbs that line the Victorian architecture
Their bikes glide delicately over transparent shadows left by neighboring trees
Windows down, I pilot my car around the shoddy patchwork road
The heat waves dance off of the asphalt, rising fingers against a retreating sun

Life in slow motion
The back wheel pegs a landing pad for the friend trailing behind you
Slush Puppy in hand, the jump is a delicate balance
Tired faces watch from the front stoops of 4th St.

Newport at 11:47 pm

They swarm under incandescent neon
Musk and body sprays clash into the smell of exhaust and cigarettes
Windows down, I watch from the red light, Bird my accompaniment
A crowd forms around a woman riding a mechanical bull

These streets run yellow with booze at night
It's whats left over from the bootlegger syndicate days of yore
Carbon copies cross from one bar to another
Look past the neon and you'll see right through them

The light is green and I am off to starry nights and thoughts of her

Welcome Home

2010-07-02T15:04:00.002-05:00

I didn't take this photo, but it makes me proud to say I now officially live in Cincinnati, OH.

Moving

2010-06-29T09:24:00.011-05:00

I have time for nothing anymore! This move is killing me. Ok so it's not all that bad...but I can't remember the last time I watched something on netflix or the last time I hung out with a friend here at home. I work 2 jobs, pack boxes, make calls to UVU and Utah housing, and run errands for my mom. Then I have like an hour or two at night where I talk to Natalie (best part of the day....yeeeeauuuuhhh).

I'll be so happy when everything is back to normal...or something close to normal.

This is my last week at Samuel Ct.
I've lived on this street for close to 10 years. It's a deserted battleground where all of my adolescent memories lie to rest. The many bullies I encountered, including the infamous Derek Pierce who lived in the house across the street from me, I'm still reminded of as I walk down the streets and through the backyards I used to take to avoid them. It was never a matter of fear, it was annoyance. And now I still walk those paths out of routine. They've all moved away. Now I stand in a steamy summer night watching the heat lightning, the thunder reverberating through the moist air. And I can't help but harbor an ironic love for this neighborhood. All of the things I've always resented; the snobby country club attitudes, the "everyone keeps to themselves" suburban mentality, and the beer IV's that every father seems to have except my own...

For the first time in my life, I've found my bitterness turned towards endearment. I'll miss this place with all of its ignorance. It really has been a good place to grow up. I've learned to love growing up in a place of opposition. My family was so unlike any of the people we lived around. We enjoyed being around each other. Faith thrives in our household. This home has seen more love than it will ever see. And I liked knowing that I was different when the school bus dropped me off each day. I thrived in what I exaggerated to be a "hostile" environment while dreaming of busting out of the suburbs to see the world. And I'm on the path to doing so as we speak.

So screw you Samuel Ct.
I love you. I love all of these memories, good and bad. And I know that I'll miss you.
But I'm so glad to be leaving for good.

An important read

2010-06-23T22:21:00.003-05:00

http://www.theawl.com/2010/06/prop-8-mormon-persecution-and-the-refuge-of-patriotism

These are my thoughts on the matter:

I won't try to convince anyone of my opinion. I know how personal this subject is to people and how unlikely it is for them to see another side of things.
But what I will say is that as a convert to the Church, I have not known this faith all of my life. I made the conscious decision to join the Church just about the same time as the Prop 8 decision was taking place.

I did not join because it was the easiest choice. I did not join because I disliked the gay population. In fact, it was the exact opposite for both. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. But I could not deny the peace, beauty, and truth I had experienced in the LDS Church.
Now this is where most will stop reading. I know I've more than stepped on a few toes. But this is what this Church and this faith mean to people. Sure you have those who simply side with the Church because its the easiest way. But for those of us who fight that internal battle, it means much more. Faith is not a political opinion. Faith is as much a part of my life as my sexuality. It's something I cannot deny.
I apologize if that offends anyone. But I just felt like it should be said on behalf of those of the faith.
For the record, I do believe that the Church should stay out of political matters such as this.

To Mormons reading this article:
Whats more important than anything is your testimony of the truthfulness of the Church (3 Nephi 27). Nothing on this earth, no matter the issue, should take that away from you. That's not to say I'm siding completely with the Church on this. We are allowed to have certain disagreements or conflicted opinions. We will never have all of the answers. But we can pray to come to some sort of understanding.

"I can only hope people understand a little more about what goes into our decisions concerning the Gospel, however hard that may be."

2010-06-22T13:47:00.003-05:00

I LIKE THESE:

http://www.behance.net/gallery/Mapping-Stereotypes/355732

Someone else did a project like this at NKU last semester. It was really well done. But I also thought it was over-produced. Too manipulated. I like the rawness and simplicity of Meredith Andrews project:

http://www.behance.net/gallery/SLEEPWAKE/152896

He push a breath of air and He fills every sail in sight

2010-06-22T11:24:00.007-05:00

Ok so while I've got your attention, listen to this.

I am overwhelmed with the truth of the Book of Mormon. Now that I've said that, you're either:
A. Going to stop reading because you don't think this applies to you.
B. Say "oh here he goes again with the religious rant."
C. Open a new internet tab to watch cat videos on youtube
D. You may actually read this.

I won't take up too much of your time.

When I read from these scriptures, I can't help but know of the truth. Like...I couldn't deny it if I tried. And trust me, if I could have I would have. This past semester proved that this wasn't just some interesting idea or some movement I excitedly prescribed to. There was so much working against it. If it was just some youthful spontaneity or naive ignorance, I can assure you that I would have figured it wasn't worth my time. So I found myself swimming up current against everything that society, friends, and family were telling me. And I could see where they were coming from. I really could. But something kept pushing me on, telling me to keep pressing forth. I experienced things that I could not explain. Feelings from within that comforted and made me strong minded.
As I read these words, I knew there was something else at work. It is not cunning brainwashing for a weak mind or extravagant promises for a needy spirit. They are words of beauty. They are words that if read and pondered, will instill in you this never-before-felt sense of direction and truth. I can promise you that. It still happens with me even 6 months later. I'm continually amazed at the personal revelation I am given through diligent reading of these words. You'll find yourself reading something you've read countless times but somehow this time around, you find countless new insights you'd never picked upon before. That is the power of these words.

This isn't some shameless plug or some evangelical alter call. This is something I feel impressed to say each and every day to myself and others. It's something that only grows and becomes more entwined with my soul as I read the scriptures each day - even if only a few verses.

So I'm calling out to all of you to do yourself a favor and read this book. I grew up Catholic. I went to a Catholic school. I knew all of the Bible stories. But I never actually took the time to read what is known as "The Word of God" with diligence and study. Now that I read the Bible and The Book of Mormon side by side, I see how they are one and the same. The BoM is merely a continuation, a restoration back to where our hearts, minds, and idea of Church need to be. The Bible speaks of this latter day restoration countless times.

For you not of any faith, I know what you are thinking. Religion is so commercialized and scandalized and so many other bad words ending with -ized. "Why waste my time?" I agree with you. I felt the same exact way for a few years. But then I found this place where religion is truth. It's not elaborate golden cities or mega churches. I'm not outright attacking those other faiths. Because they do SO much good in the world. And their core teachings are those of Christ. But I can assure you that having looked into them all, there is still a void that needs to be filled. There is missing structure and missing doctrine that God has given us so that we may know Him more intimately.

That void can and will be filled if you give this idea I'm speaking of a chance. I promise you it will. It was for me and I've seen countless many others say the same.

I'm looking back on this and hoping I don't sound too much like a pamphlet or a street preacher. I don't want that. I'm not trying to impose it on you. I just feel overwhelmed with the peace of mind His word has brought to my soul...and I feel the need to write stuff like this so that others may question their own thoughts. I'm not above you in any way. I'm not "a chosen one". Me and you are on the exact same level. But I have this peace, this absolute knowing of truth in my head and my heart...and I want you to have it too.

Read scripture diligently each day without fail and you will know truth. And your mind will rest. It's inevitable. It's been that way since the beginning of time.

Seacrest out.

Ode to Natalie

2010-06-18T12:34:00.007-05:00

There's a certain moment in time when you realize something monumental has happened in your life. It may be obvious; a big move or a new career. But I think the most gratifying monumental moments are those meetings between two human beings.
You may very well realize their importance before they happen. But the most momentous meetings occur between two unsuspecting people. Two people who don't fully realize how pivotal the occurrence will be to their world.

The misty rain is collecting on the back of my hand as I hold the phone to my ear. I can think back to those silent moments after hours of speaking to one another, the fog off San Francisco Bay collecting in the winding roads I walk. Those in-between-topic moments where we can hear the feedback from the others breath. It's only the second time we've spoken on the phone and already I've had one of those monumental realizations. I didn't quite understand it. It was this looming presence in the back of my mind. I just knew it was important.
We spoke with a candidness unheard of by my virgin ears. I wasn't used to that sort of reception. "Everyone's waiting to talk, but no one's listening. Everyone's sweating, but no one's glistening." We are two souls entwined. We have no choice but to move forward with the natural order of things. We cannot deny these moments. For once in my life, I can accept all of those indigestible romantic cliches. I can understand what they mean. I swore I'd never walk that line. But now that I've found the muse they've all spoken of, I can't help myself.

What's more is that this girl was dropped in front of me by chance. She is not some fling I've exhausted. She is not some pretty face I see every day.
She is a beautiful accident that appeared in the form of words in an email. My mind was unsure of how to approach in a worded reply. I'm used to this being hard. I'm used to force fitting that last puzzle piece.
By the second email she sent I could understand the way she presented herself, the way she spoke from within. I knew she had felt it too. Our words flow in and out of the others, fingers rapidly typing quick, unguarded thoughts.
I've shared a lot of myself to prospective girls. I trust easily. And even as I continue to give myself to this new girl I know there is something different with Natalie. My words are not for me to stare at longingly and wonder what the other side is thinking.
I don't fret over my internet identity nearly as much as I used to. I don't analyze my words and thoughts in careful precision. I don't wonder about her thoughts. The answers we provide are uniquely for the other. We know how the other thinks. Somehow, our souls have connected in this big hectic world and our unsuspecting minds are cut loose from the bands of anxiety.

So now we sit next to one another at her mother's play practice. Our eyes gaze up at dark figures moving up the wall towards the ceiling. The conductor of this small ensemble waves his arms frantically to the rhythm, the music stand light throwing dramatic silhouettes against high ceiling. I worry about nothing. My mind can only focus on the subtle beauty of the moment. I'd rather be here than anywhere else.

The way things have aligned beyond our control are constant reminders of the divinity of this whole situation. For fleeting moments, I wonder if I'll ever regret speaking this way, if this will just turn into another fling. But before my mind can press forth with the idea, she enters my mind and I know I can't even bring myself to think such things. She has won so many battles over my subconscious. God continues to show me that the road I'm on is in line with hers. And the road is more beautiful than ever. The way the leaves of the trees drift in the wind are accompanied by her song.

And now I feel I'm with her. She's probably somewhere in the sky over a golden Mexican floor. She's probably nervous about her Spanish. She's probably thinking about the important words she doesn't know and the lesser ones she's sure of. I'm not sitting in that seat next to her, or even in the surrounding sea of faces. But I can sit contently in Kentucky knowing that my other half is living out another one of her dreams. I can sit contently in Kentucky knowing that her voice is readily available to play through the speakers lining the walls of my brain. I can breath easy knowing that the reigns are in someone elses hands...someone far more capable than I.

So go ahead. Call me young. Call me naive. Call me cliche.
You could probably hang each one of those titles on me in one form or another. But I'm just going forward with what feels right, with something that I couldn't deny even if I wanted to.

Coeur d'Alene

2010-06-11T15:02:00.004-05:00

Rain soaks our days old clothing. We smell of campfire, sweat, jerky, and the open road. We walk down railroad tracks that never were. A rushing river guides us to our destination, one of the many abandoned buildings that line the roads leading west.

At these moments, I feel detached from everything. There is no right or wrong. There is only adventure, a faint carousel echoing with faint prompting from the hills. I carefully map out the placement of my soggy steps so as to avoid the patchwork of wildflowers.

We get back on the road after 2 hours of unplanned, unmapped mystery. My camera is held tightly in my hand, the treasures we encountered held captive within.

We move on to the Idaho panhandle. Golden hour turns into hours as we chase the sun down through twisting canyon roads pointed West. We turn a bend past a ridge and see an indescribable portrait of beauty. The lake sitting next to Coeur d'Alene reflects a bright orange sunset, the waters more far reaching than the sky itself. The surrounding hills glow a deep blue haze against a tranquil night sky, We are only given a glimpse, but for a fleeting moment we all fall silent, our eyes unwavering, our breathing steadied. My hands are stuck to the wheel.

I'm convinced I must live in a place with mountains in my horizon. I need those harrowing towers off in the distance. My eyes never grow tired of tracing their silhouetted outline against the sky.
These thoughts are interrupted as I find myself watching a group of college kids clamoring up the pier steps overlooking the Lake Coeur d'Alene. The one leading the pack is stripping down to his boxers. They climb to the top level and begin to egg him on. I can see his feet hanging over the side shaking profusely. I don't think he realizes what he's gotten himself in to. A small crowd of fans assembling near the bottom.
"Come on Wesley!" one shouts impatiently.

Two others jump into loud roars of laughter and cheering as the freezing swimmer makes his way back to the dock.

Wesley's shaking feet are still hanging over. The crowd grows disenchanted with the dare and Wesley's hesitance becomes more apparent to those still faithful fans.
Some begin to coach him as the others begin side conversations.
Alex and Logan have walked on and Nate is waiting for me. I'm transfixed on his shaking feet and silent answers to the jeers.
We walk away slowly and suddenly I hear a splash followed by cheers.
I'm not sure if it was Wesley but I'd like to think that it was.
The moon is reflected off the calm waters and Coure d'Alene is just starting to fall asleep. But the young vagabonds that hold dominion over the city by night are coming alive.

This is a call to question

2010-05-17T01:46:00.009-05:00

I jump out of my skin and I'm running through a deserted isle in Kroger. I tell myself its to save time, but I know its because I can. It's 2am and I'm getting milk for cereal.

"Welcome to Kroger." Scan. Beep. Bag. Automatic Doors. Night sky.

It's one of those nights where your skin tingles and your sense of being is magnified by a wide starry sky. It's those nights when you call things into question. The big questions that seem so insignificant to anyone but yourself...

When I close my eyes I see a part of myself that I can never get out in the many bumbling words that escape through my lips. I think if someone took all of my words and sent them to a cryptologist, we might begin to understand the intentions of my heart.
I don't want to sound like a disenchanted teenager..."No one understands me" they say with a soured shrug.

What I mean to say is that my intentions are etched into the insides of my head. Every so often, I close my eyes and see the intricate, but simple map to my soul. It's lined with "what ifs" and premature "I love you"'s but once you get past that, I radiate with a glowing earnestness. I just want to please you. I want to give to you. Most of the time I try to impart a little portion of my soul, but it always get distorted when I let my mind be the middle man.

What was that you asked?

Premature promptings and wise foresight battle for control. An incomplete mixed message is sent to the voicebox who in turn interprets it as "good to go". The words fall out of my mouth like tetris. They build up an elaborate response fit and trim with minute detail. It's then I realize I'm unsure if I answered the question.

Though it may not always exude brilliance, I speak with conviction. I could talk down the stars from the sky if given the chance. I don't confront with sage simplicities. I barrage the conversation with passion...unadulterated portions of half-thoughts. Most of which just evolved in my marathon mind.

But when I close my eyes, all that remains is the conviction. And I know some day that one soul will look and see the intricate lines that lead to my soul.
I wish I was a little more delicate.

www.flickr.com/austindressman

Road

2010-05-10T11:55:00.003-05:00

It's many times I feel like this:
I'm ready to move. I ready to watch the shapes shift and the elements collide. I'm ready to up and go. I need out.

But then I'm reminded:
I feel my own breath against my arm. The warmth stays a few moments after exhale. I'm reminded of the many lives I've lived. The beauty these eyes have seen and the beauty they'll continue to see if I choose to acknowledge it.
And all is well.

Any semblance of unsatisfaction will bow at the awe of the untamed landscapes of yore. Life will blush with color once more. We will embark hoping for something we know we won't achieve. But its through the experience that we'll come to know what it is that we need. It's the Great American Roadtrip. It's an event revered in society, often parodied, often over-sentimentalized. But as long as there are winding roads and unreliable cars to steer them through, bands of human beings will make the pilgrimage.

2010-05-05T09:39:00.000-05:00

This guy is good.

Requiem of a Semester

2010-05-05T07:39:00.009-05:00

Have you ever been confined to one place for a long duration of time in which you are despised and sometimes just ignored?

It's an exhausting yet strengthening experience. The humility gained through living in a hostile environment is something I value greatly. It wasn't by choice, it was circumstantial for both parties. And I don't blame the other party entirely. I think the situation offers some areas of conflict. But that in no way shape or form gives the right to disregard me as a person.

Each morning I'm able to wake up, a little more tired than usual from attempting to sleep through the 4 am parties every night of the week...but I'm able to walk out into the morning sun and feel peace and conviction in the decisions I've made. I'm able to pray and love with a much fuller capacity than I ever could have known possible. I've truly found something that I simply cannot deny. If you had experienced the things I've experienced and felt, you wouldn't be able to deny it either. It's a peace beyond all peace. I can move mountains. I can endure to the end.
I still love you guys as my friends. You guys are some of the best people I know. But it's sad that I've been subjected to your worst sides in the last few months.

This isn't meant to be an "Austin the Martyr" kinda post. But if I may say so myself, I feel like I've handled this extremely well. And that's all thanks to this faith. I've been so blessed throughout all of this, it's incredible how God provides. Just know that this was MY decision. You have your own decisions and I still respect you for them.

SO...just because I probably won't be around you as much next semester. I will still make the effort to talk in passing in the hallways. I'll send you things I think you'd appreciate. I'll not harvest any sort of bitterness towards you.
I'll still love you.

A State of Mind

2010-05-04T17:57:00.004-05:00

Just watched A State of Mind. It's amazing how much we don't know about North Korea, and how much North Korea doesn't know about us. This past year I've found myself watching movies and reading on this country and its culture. The North Korean country is sad, grim example of the futility of man and the ideological worship of man, Socialism/Communism. The people themselves have the best intentions. They are a beautiful people of devotion and discipline. But these traits are invested in a faulty government mirage of power.

I don't know nearly enough to establish a true intellectual opinion, but from what I've gathered, I think the Western world's current stance on the country is far too biased. Sure, the country is a definite threat to our ideology. But this does not give use the right to ostracize an entire people. The US can be such a hypocritical idea. I love this country. And I believe it to be the one free, true place in the world where people can think and act for themselves. But we are not perfect. We have our hands in so many others countries pockets and affairs. I also think we put far too much emphasis on our responsibility of "educating" others in our ways. Let us act by example and not by forceful action. Everyone has a free choice, and agency to choose their own constitution. This is the basis of the USA. But it is not within our constitution to push this idea on others.

North Korea will not last. It will not be one of those empires with the privilege of millennial reign. It's isolation from the world will cause it to be eaten from within, once the people realize Kim-il Sung did not "create the world" or that Kim Jong-il can "control the weather".
Putting that much faith in man has proven in past and present to be a futile business. Man is not perfect. Nor is socialism, the ideology based off full faith in man. Kim Jung Il is not God...although official North Korean history claims his birth on Mt. Baekdu was "an event marked by a double rainbow and a new star in the sky."

We must keep a watchful eye on our neighbors...but not look at them as the next front in our "war for democracy". As a world super power, we are forced to be a world player. I just wish the US would be more careful with the ways in which it "plays" with other ideologies and peoples.

Sums up my thoughts at all times

2010-05-03T10:41:00.004-05:00

I want this tattooed on the inside of my eyelids.
The sky is my favorite place in the world.
I don't care how effusive that sounds.

Originally uploaded by laura taylor.

The Long Way Home

2010-04-30T08:59:00.009-05:00

Welp, here it is in all it's glory, and official Audience Award winner from the College Movie Festival.
My first "official" DP credit. And let me clarify, all I did was DP. Definitely an interesting experience. Not exactly the content I'm usually interested in, but for a Die Hard homage, I think it fits in pretty well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cARTZP5bbuA

(watch it in HD!)

still have legs and arms

2010-04-30T07:01:00.008-05:00

7:58am
I got home this morning with the sun right in my eyes
And there was no warning as it took me by surprise as it
Hit me like an Act of God, causing my alarm

My feet land in loud exaltation against the tile flooring on the 4th floor. Friday at 8am and the science building is in a lull. The long hallway stretches past empty classrooms. The rooms have a blue haze, a dim sunlight showing through against the countless desks. My feet continue slapping the ground. These shoes are too loud for 8am. Off at the end of a hall, a figure sits, head resting against palm. The figure is a shadow against the wall to ceiling window that looks out over campus. I'm walking towards this bright luminance at the end of a hallway. And I let my mind wander with the strains of imagination. We are the only figures in the hallway and I can't help but feel a sort of kinship. Both admiring the brightness of the early morning, both letting our thoughts drift towards the window, one of use breaking up the moment with loud shoes. The figure slowly lifts its face in anticipation of my approaching presence.
Still a shadow, I can't distinguish any physical details in the outline. I am close to my stairwell destination. At the last possible moment, the figure lifts her head and stares at me, a blank look to match my internal diatribe that began at the start of the hallway. We meet eyes and both look away. I walk on, another forgotten moment as my thoughts shift to the canted shadows that line the stairwell.
8:02 am
Life is beautiful.

And the living is easy

2010-04-29T12:28:00.009-05:00

I wonder why I can't just say a few words on here. I always feel like I need to write a lot.

Well today I'm going to merely "update" my blog. So...yeah.

I'm completely done with this semester next Thursday. It feels good. I need to get OUT of this place MAN! A week or so and I'll be living the life at home...taking pictures...staying up late...listening to music all night with the car windows down...reconnecting.

Great photographer

I just felt like writing

2010-04-18T21:20:00.005-05:00

Recently, I've been writing a lot about these big things like direction, purpose, God, faith, etc. I guess it's because I've had a huge shift in my life recently. In turn, these types of questions come to surface...

I think it's really scary to find out so many truths at once. It gives life this severity but it can all feel very flippant at times. Finding that middle ground between embracing radical change and staying true to yourself can be all at once so easy yet so hard. This whole paragraph is turning into one big paradox.

"I just thought I was a kind of bird. I just stood there, not saying a word."

Sometimes I want to just fill the mold. I want to walk through without disruption. I want simplicity. But that thought is dangerous. Idle hands/mind never did anyone any good. Even those who society claims have grown content with mediocrity are DOING.

I think it's depressing when you find someone so "in touch" with intellectualism that they loose sight of true humanity and God. They have found a so-called mecca of knowledge through the writings of man. I have faith in man, but there is much greater fulfillment from faith in He who created man. Makes sense, right?
There are SO many different ways to disprove the existence of God and a plan of salvation. I could link you to thousands upon thousands of documents and theories and scientific facts. But no one can express to another the divine feeling you have when you acknowledge that God is indeed there. It's a peace beyond all peace, a love beyond all love. It can't be broken down in a thesis or dissected in a documentary. It must be felt. And through true faith, it can be experienced.

To some, I may sound like a broken record. It's all things you've heard before. There are so many self-proclaimed "truths" out there. Everyone seems to have their own unique doctrine. That's not to say religion is conformist. You are conforming to a unified belief. It's a communal, beautiful thing. You're still free to be your own unique self amidst it all.
Look at the history of the world. Mankind has never gone forth in this world without a belief in God. It's natural for a reason. It's shaped what we know as right and wrong. Even atheists sense of morality is by way of societal glance at God. You cannot deny that. By claiming atheism, you are saying that your mind is greater than that of the world. You are saying that conscience is inherent and not effected by any outside force. How can you place your faith solely in humanity? Humanity is rife with wars, ambiguity, hate, greed, the list goes on. Humans are not perfect. And we can't be perfect no matter how hard we try. But we can make that effort each day towards perfection. Humanity is also rife with love, compassion, peace, and understanding. Where have these traits evolved from? From faith. We must go forth. knowing that we can't be perfect, but walking in the direction of perfection. Living this lifestyle will bring TRUE happiness and fulfillment. I can guarantee you that.

I think we all have these ideas of our destiny. Everyone, willing to admit it or not, has this idea in their head, this complete scenario of life. It's the story they would like to be told of their name. The grandiose details are grand and the hardships are acknowledged (but triumphed in short time).
Just make sure you learn to let it adapt with change.

I'm learning to live. And it scares me so much. But I'm so excited for whats to come.

2010-04-14T09:48:00.002-05:00

Hey so this is what I truly want to do ALL the time. In conversations, during class, at work, while driving...

persistance when blind

2010-04-12T10:40:00.005-05:00

(based on Acts 9)
“Damascus is about one hundred and fifty miles north of Jerusalem, so it would take Saul and his attendants about a week to travel the distance.
Perhaps during those few days of comparative leisure, he began to wonder whether what he was doing was right or not.
Perhaps the shining face of the dying Stephen and the martyr’s last prayer began to sink more deeply into his soul than it had done before. Little children’s cries for their parents whom Saul had bound began to pierce his soul more keenly, and make him feel miserably unhappy as he looked forward to more experiences of that kind in Damascus.
Perhaps he wondered whether the work of the Lord, if he were really engaged in it, would make him feel so restless and bitter.
He was soon to learn that only the work of the evil one produces these feelings, and that true service for the Lord always brings peace and contentment.”
-Pres. David O. McKay

Bad Rabbits

2010-04-11T00:43:00.002-05:00

I saw the Bad Rabbits last night and danced with like 80 other people

Most fun I've had at a show in a long time - cut to 1:20 in
(this isn't the show I was at, but this was exactly what it was like)

Can't Back Down from Bad Rabbits on Vimeo.

my life

2010-04-10T15:27:00.022-05:00

I've been blessed to have been so many different people in this life already.

-A human baseball encyclopedia from ages 7-14

A damn good first basemen from 12-14

-College kid from 18-present
-Fat kid from 11-17

-Fat kid at heart from the day I was born to the present
-I started running nearly every day 2 years ago and have lost nearly 30 lbs.
-I stole and crashed a golf cart at age 5

-I skied down the Olympic Run in Lake Placid, NY at age 12 and made it all the way to the bottom
-I went through about 4 bullies as a kid

I had a bully who's dad brought out a scale to weigh me because he didn't believe I was the weight I told all my friends I was - later that week I purposefully broke a lamp in their basement
I had another bully who would always make me "the queer" in smear the queer
I eventually "fought" one of my bullies and won
My youth was every childhood bully movie you've seen

-I met Dick Cheney on an elevator when I was 4
-I shook George W. Bush's hand on the campaign trail when I was 10
-I told people I was a Republican as a kid, but knew it just gave me a side to root for come election time (this way of thinking could be applied to just about any person claiming to be devout to one party-whether they admit it or not)
-Christian music fan 11-14
-I have a best friend that I've kept in close contact with for years, even though we're 1600 miles apart most of the time
-I watched Michael Jordan play live
-I made a hook shot into my basketball hoop from hundred feet away but no one was looking
-In Hawaii when 9/11/01 happened
-Movie lover from 14-present
-Movie maker from 14-present
-I spray painted most of my body brown for an Australian party in Utah
-I ran the streets of D.C. late one night to get to a rally in a hotel bar
-I witnessed a near-riot outside of an Obama speech and got it on camera

-I've crashed 2 cars...both, I claim, "were not my fault."
-I was depressed my entire senior year of high school but never really told anyone
-My parents are my best friends
-I went on a cross country roadtrip

I was driving a car when the engine exploded
I started a Texas brushfire
I witnessed a storm on the Colorado border that changed my perception of beauty and sense of God

-I took a photo that was featured on a photography website's homepage
-I read 3 Harry Potter books in 2 weeks time at age 13
-I was escorted by the LAPD through underground police tunnels at 1 am from the scene of a crime on Sunset Blvd. (and managed to get a picture)

-I had three girlfriends through high school and always wondered why they went for me
-I met Bono by accident in Chicago
-I helped out with Hurricane Katrina relief down in New Orleans and Mississippi
-I have a close friend that's Australian...I find ways to slip this into conversation
-I got punched in the face last night in a mosh pit I didn't want to be a part of
-I got arrested for climbing on the roof of a Quiznos with a friend

They dropped the charges 2 weeks later in court claiming that the cops must have been having a slow night

-I personally met my favorite musician Andrew Bird in Cleveland after a show
-I converted to Mormonism about 4 months ago after distancing myself from religion for about 2-3 years

I'm still learning how to integrate it into my life
I am shown examples nearly every day of how much this faith makes sense in our world today
It's one of the best decisions I've made

There are so many things I failed to mention (like the time I got a tattoo on whim). Looking back, I guess I can be kind of spontaneous most of the time. I'm aware of that, so I never make any life-altering bad decisions. I love that about myself. It makes life interesting.
If there's one thing I've learned in my time thus far on earth, it's to live passionately. No matter the location, the state of mind, the circumstances, live with joy and love in the hand you've been dealt. More importantly, know that joy and love are of God. Never grow disenchanted with life.

And don't be afraid of the changes...revel in them.

I can't wait to continue to add to this list, living vicariously through my own heart.

2010-04-07T12:26:00.002-05:00

listening to the new Nada Surf album puts my mind on a roadtrip back to family vacations on spring breaks in high school. this weather feels absolutely incredible...

Doubt

2010-04-07T08:18:00.011-05:00

“God shall give unto you knowledge by his holy Spirit, yea, by the unspeakable gift of the Holy Ghost."
(D&C 121:26).

“The humanists who criticize us, the so-called intellectuals who demean us, speak only from ignorance of this manifestation. They have not heard the voice of the Spirit. They have not heard it because they have not sought after it and prepared themselves to be worthy of it. Then, supposing that knowledge comes only of reasonings and of the workings of the mind, they deny that which comes by the power of the Holy Ghost. . . .
Do not be trapped by the sophistry of the world, which for the most part is negative and which seldom, if ever, bears good fruit. Do not be ensnared by those clever ones whose self-appointed mission it is to demean that which is sacred, to emphasize human weakness, and undermine faith, rather than inspire strength."
-Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley

I've found myself in shoes I felt I could not fill, shoes I thought I already knew the track record of. I pounded this notion into my brain night and day. I told myself that with this new faith, I would be on a set path to the day of my death. On one side of things, this is a comforting notion. By believing in the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the plan of salvation, I can have direct answers as to where I will spend eternity. I've experienced the love, and the presence of the Spirit on more than one occasion. I've seen the power of prayer in action. I've finally come to know truly who Jesus is - I know Him on a personal level for the first time.
But the other side of this "set path" can seem disheartening. As an LDS member, I must deal with the unrelenting pressure of the world against the LDS church, go to church every Sunday, align myself with conservative politics, go on a two year mission, marry a mormon wife, have a ton of kids, all while holding a career. These are all the Mormon pressures/stereotypes I found myself thinking about in relation to my faith. And because I was shaking my base, I found myself slipping into doubts about the Church. (on a side note, I feel like these stereotypes are true of any faith. Mormons just get set aside because people haven't taken the time to actually see what we truly believe. We're still Christians).
In an instant I was able to forget about ALL of the beauty, peace, and love I had found in this Church. I was able to forget the scriptures I'd studied and prayed about, and the way they had impacted my faith. All of this I was able to shoot down for the sake wallowing in a doubt.

I was putting faith in doubt.

It's something I find myself doing in many other instances in my life. If I have to make some sort of life change, it suddenly becomes this HUGE LIFE CHANGING CAN'T GO BACK decision in my mind. I let myself fret and worry. I google things like "liberal mormon" and "lds convert doubt" just so I can enhance the whole ordeal. I want instant gratification. I want to know what the ending looks like before I go ahead and walk the path leading there. But the truth is...

There will always be doubts and inconsistencies in faith. If you make it a priority to look for doubts, they will always be there. This holds more truth than ever in this internet age. With the typing of a few words into a search engine, you can unload an entire encyclopedia of common dissent. A while back, Alex told me that "faith is not practical". Around the same time my mom told me, "Keep your head and your heart in the same place." These are written on sticky-notes on my desk, the very place I find myself hunched over a screen looking for insight.

Faith is not final. It's a living breathing relationship. And before I align myself with any stereotype, leader, article, blog, I should be asking my Heavenly Father for insight. The most important part of my faith is my personal relationship with Him. And in prayer, and days of thoughtful ponderance of scripture I know that at this moment in time, I am where I am supposed to be. Just because there seems to be this common knowledge that I must be a conservative, uptight, clean-shaven, member does not mean I have to. I will follow according to the insight I receive from above, through the scriptures, and through the Church leaders. Those stereotypes come primarily from the congregation. Mormons are awesome, loving people but there are a few "standards" that run in the culture of the lifestyle that aren't necessarily doctrinal. I can live my faith however I see fit, while still living it according to the scripture and doctrines. There is just too much right about the Church to let one or two things bring the whole thing crashing down.

I AM Hugh Nibley reincarnated.

The last few weeks I've put so much unnecessary pressure on myself. Faith is living, it's a choice you've made to recognize that relationship we can all have with something far bigger than ourselves and this world we live in. It's recognizing true eternal love. I will always side on the side of faith in the end. That's what this life is all about.

I'm learning to understand how the gospel works in accordance with this life. We don't have to recluse ourselves within our churches and our scriptures. Let us go out into the world, as frightening as it might be, and truly live out or faith.

No longer will I put faith in doubt...from this point on, I'm putting faith in faith.
Rejoicing in our present state may very well be the most important thing we can do on earth.

come on feet

2010-03-29T09:57:00.002-05:00

I let myself hang from the ceiling, the ground below flickering through the outlines of my swinging legs. I hang from the rafters because I want to see what's below and around me. But I can't help but wonder if I dropped, would I feel more alive? I could do tangible things with tangible people if I so let my grasp loosen and my mind slip into repose. I think I will.

All of this is futile, and at the same time efficient, necessary, and beautiful.

2010-03-24T17:36:00.001-05:00

Look outside and racing hunks of metal glimmer across the pale pavement. Mechanical birds take passengers to far away places. Floating fortresses carry incredible loads across an all encompassing sea.
And still, the human heart only swoons for another of flesh and bones.
So is life.

To think that my mind chose to ignore that for so many hours....is beyond me. My mind runs not off self-righteousness, but off beautiful images of every day life. Transport this weary mind to any scenario and it will still hunger for beauty through simplicity.
All is well.

No more

2010-03-22T23:05:00.002-05:00

Nephi.

I will press forth with the faith of Nephi. All of you talking heads will be silenced. My way is clear. Opportunity awaits.

Who am I to question? I am blessed beyond belief and I stand here in bitterness.

"How blessed are we to have each other? I am alive and you are alive and so we must fill the air with our words. I will fill today, tomorrow, every day until I am taken back to God. I will tell stories to people who will listen and to people who don't want to listen, to people who seek me out and to those who run. All the while I will know that you are there. How can I pretend that you do not exist? It would be almost as impossible as you pretending that I do not exist."
-What is the What

Finished

2010-03-22T22:33:00.004-05:00

Mandatory "I have no idea what do with my life/education" college blog post. Sorry to elaborate on the cliche.

These past few days my mind has been reverting back to that anxiety I had in high school for the first time since then. My mind is racked with and impending decision only I, myself, can make. It's slowly melting. I have no passion to do anything.

I hate this. I hate over-priced tuitions (go ahead, make a fortune putting the future of the world in debt and/or making students compromise their true dreams). I hate limited opportunities.

See, and give it two minutes and I'll regret writing this. I'll say it stupid and useless to write. But these thoughts run through my mind every other moment.
I'd like to say I have faith it will work out. In fact, I tell myself this after each one of these thoughts. But that doesn't stop my mind from running.

Amie

2010-03-20T15:52:00.013-05:00

The Saturday mornings of my youth...
I can remember passing by suburban sprawl lit by an overcast sky. It would usually be mid-morning. I always looked out the window, my forehead pressed against the glass, autumn chill cool to my skin. My father would always play the songs of his youth. He had this old envelope box full of cds that sat in the front near his feet. The one that always seemed to be the theme to these drives was "Amie" by Pure Prairie League.

We would end up at his weekend AA meeting. Cigarette smoke heavy in the air. Donuts at the end of each table. He's a lifelong member, 30-something years sober. I'd wait for him in the lobby of the meeting room, usually reading and eating. I felt like I was wise beyond my years. I knew this key to success in life. I was so proud to be there with Dad.

From there we would make a stop at his empty office. In between trips a new CD would be played; something like "Edmund Fitzgerald" by Gordon Lightfoot or even a few old Beatles tracks. Once at his office, I would scramble in ahead of him to secure my spot at the empty computer I played games on. He would get some work done in his office across the hall and I would run to the kitchen to get hot chocolate out of the coffee vending machine. We would go home at around noon, talking about music and what was going on at school. I always secretly wished that we'd go out to lunch beforehand, it being noon. But we rarely did. "Amie" played on the ride home, Dad replacing Amie's name with "Austin" while singing. I smiled to myself, acting like it was stupid. I always loved it though.

And here I am, 9-10 years later sitting next to my father at a Pure Prairie League show. Memories flood my mind and I see the same man who used to replace "Amie" with my name voicing the lyrics at me. The music plays and everyone is singing "Amieeeeeee whatchu wanna do, I think I could stay with you for a while maybe longer if I do".

http://www.flickr.com/austindressman

But I am within myself, thankful for this love that sits beside me.
Thankful for weekends with my Dad.

Valley of the Giants

2010-03-19T10:10:00.001-05:00

Teardrop
Originally uploaded by Joep R.

All that I ask

is that I may not let life pass by. I hate the idea of compromise.

I want to live among dramatic landscapes. Live in a place I know is no different than anywhere else. But I choose to romanticize it, thinking its some mecca of possibility. Because in turn, that's what it turns in to.

Lately, the top of my hand has been developing a bruise from holding the weight of my forehead. My swollen mind drops in desperation and my hand is there against it.

The most illogical, but logical choice would be to work on a boat. To be at sea and yearn for land after beautiful nights on a sometimes placid sometimes treacherous sea. That's what I want, even if that ends up just being a forgettable metaphor for what comes my way.

To those of you...

2010-03-17T10:47:00.002-05:00

To those of you who can make music, be glad...you're the envy of the world.

It's a beautiful talent.

AND thank you for your contributions. Especially you, Supertramp. The sax solo from "Logical Song" will forever get stuck in my head at inopportune times.

2010-03-17T07:14:00.002-05:00

I know that's it is spring because I can walk into the wind, eyes wide open, without crying. My eyes water so much outside in the winter. By the time I make my way into shelter, there are streams down the sides of my face. Maybe because of the contacts?
But this morning, I could walk into the blue-orange haze with a spring in my step. My eyes soaked in the warmth of the morning. The dew collected on the sides of my shoes. I breathed in a deep breath, almost comically, and let it sit within me before exhaling. It's mornings like these that you feel so alive. You feel like you're exactly where you're supposed to be at that moment. Everything is within reach.

I guess I'm a morning person.

Out of the PaszzZzZzzZz

2010-03-16T16:52:00.001-05:00

Out of the Past is one of those beloved, but mostly forgotten, film noirs that came out of Hollywood in the late 40s. I had heard of it before, but didn't have too much of a reason to see it. After all, there was no famous line or scene it was known for widely, unless I'm mistaken. Also, the director, Jacques Tourneur, has not really done anything else very memorable. Case in point, the movie seemed to be a bit of a one-hit-wonder. But what better way to go into a film than with no expectations!

I must say I wasn't disappointed, but I also wasn't impressed. I thought the film was merely a very average studio film noir. As I said before, there really are no memorable shots or plot lines to this film among the many that flood Cinema History textbooks. If you could say one thing, it would be Robert Mitchum. This film is probably the peak of his extensive use by directors in film noir. His character fits the very classic innocent criminal archetype used in that era. The female lead, Jane Greer, plays another film noir archetype, the "innocent until proven guilty" dame. A young Kirk Douglas really carries the acting in this film. His subtle performance goes from innocent to guilty to innocent so we never really have a firm stance on how to view his character. He does an amazing job of keeping the audience on their toes in his scenes. The film follows so many of the standard rules of classic noir, but is lost within the many other forgettable noirs that flooded the industry in that day.

I guess I'm ripping on the film a bit. But it is worth noting that I did enjoy it. It wasn't anything amazing, but to its credit, it did everything it set out to do. I'm very particular about film noir. When it's good, it's good. The most successful film noir strikes this perfect balance between over-stylized production and narrative. It wows you with canted angles and far-reaching shadows but is anchored by a very standard plot with golden dialogue. Films like The Concrete Jungle and The Third Man have an acute awareness of the genre. They play within the rules, but dazzle us with their amazing suspense and style in all the right scenes. I think it's a true testament to the director when a film noir works. I would go so far as saying that the film noir genre is one of the most director-heavy genres out there. The creative strokes of the director can be so evident in the genre. This is because of how overtly stylized every element is; saturated with the directors vision.

Out of the Past goes down the film noir checklist but doesn't have that taut subtext that drives noirs like Touch of Evil.

welp, cya later!

2010-03-16T09:01:00.005-05:00

Hey ladies, sorry, I'm off the market. I won't ever settle for another woman again unless it's Nataly Dawn or Lauren O'Connell

This is one of the most beautiful things.

Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight

2010-03-13T21:44:00.004-05:00

Love Alexander Fuller's writing voice....The candor and sincerity she uses to speak of her tumultuous British/African childhood makes it seem you are one of the few privileged to read from her personal journals.
Read this book!

"Kelvin almost died today. Irritated to distraction by the flies in the kitchen, he had closed the two doors and the one little window in the room, into which he had then emptied an entire can of insect-killing Doom. Mum had found him convulsing on the kitchen floor just before afternoon tea.
"Bloody idiot." She had dragged him onto the lawn, where he lay jerking and twitching for some minutes until Mum sloshed a bucket of cold water onto his face. "Idiot!" she shrieked. "You could have killed yourself."
Now Kelvin looks as self-possessed and serene as ever. Jesus, he has told me, is his Savior. He has an infant son named Elvis, after the other king.
Dad says, "Bring more beers, Kelvin."
"Ye, Bwana."
We move to the picnic chairs around the wood fire on the veranda. Kelvin brings us more beers and clears the rest of the plates away. Wood smoke curls itself around my shoulders, lingers long enough to scent my hair and skin, and then veers toward Dad. The two of us are silent, listening to Mum and her stuck record, Tragedies of Our Lives. What the patient, nice Englishman does not know, which Dad and I both know, is that Mum is only on Chapter One.

Chapter One: The War
Chapter Two: Dead Children
Chapter Three: Insanity
Chapter Four: Being Nicola Fuller of Central Africa

Chapter Four is really a subchapter of the other chapters. Chapter Four is when Mum sits quietly, having drunk so much that every pore in her body is soaked. She is yoga-crossed-legged, and she stares with a look of stupefied wonder, at the garden and at the dawn breaking through wood-smoke haze and the thin gray-brown band of dust and pollution that hangs above the city of Lusaka. And she's thinking, So this is what it's like being Me."
-Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight by Alexander Fuller

Spring

2010-03-13T01:07:00.004-05:00

It's absolutely beautiful outside. Spring is here, and I am SO excited. The sisters and I just drove around for a while with windows down, music blaring until we found a big field to run around in.

www.flickr.com/austindressman

Saturday Night

2010-03-06T22:11:00.004-05:00

Tonight is a cool brisk night, warmer than usual. The heavens are open for all the world to see. Stars dot every possible patch of sky the eye can see. I open my window and hear the faint cries of an animal crying to the big white moon. I didn't think NKU would have any sort of wildlife like that. We have an over abundance of skunks but that's the only sign of life I ever see. The cries started between two animals, one on each side of the patch of forest outside my window. The cries grew louder and closer, two family members shouting their whereabouts.
As the voices grew louder, I realized it was a pack of wolves. A third joined in and they screamed to the heavens. I stood taking in the beauty of the moment, a cool windless night that makes you breathe a little deeper than usual, the life outside my window - all was this moment.
I-275 runs just beyond this little patch of foliage. An ambulance flies by, its sirens in unison with the high pitched yelps reverberating off the leaf-less trees. The cries seemed closer than ever, I could hear branches partitioning as the pack weaved through. Then silence.
The ambiance of the highway filled the air. I heard nothing but the passing cars for a good while. My eyes scanned what lies below my second story room. I wanted to cry out for them to come back...soooo I did. I closed my eyes and put on my best impersonation of a cry to the moon. It was terrible.
But as I closed my eyes and yelled it as loud as I could, I felt free. I understood the meaning behind the action. When I was through, I pulled my head back in the window. I didn't feel foolish. I felt alive. I breathed in another one of those long deep breaths.
A few moments went by. And then a wolf peered its head around a tree and our eyes met. There was this trust. It was a beautiful creature, it's eyes glaring, reflecting either the huge dorm floodlight or the moon. I'd like to think it was the moon for the sake of the story. It trotted out into the open and sat, eyes still pressed against mine. We stared at each other for a while. I was struck by the beauty of this wild animal, sitting upright towards me. It confidently sat in place, aware of my human presence. Then it's head reared in each direction, scanning the area, and it slowly continued on into the other half of the forest. I stood staring at the spot we had met eyes and another wolf peered its head from behind the tree. It followed suit of the other, stopping only briefly to take in the sight of this man-made structure that a pale skinned figure hung out of. A few minutes went by and a third wolf followed, a bit smaller and timid than the others. It wandered around in the open for quite some time and then entered through another part of the trees.

The highway ambiance filled the sky once more. The passing cars a constant in the atmosphere of this place. I leaned my head further out the window and admired the clear sky. Squinting past the flood light, I could see the patchwork brilliance clearly. I feel alive. The Limelight theme entered my mind and I stood a little longer, humming the tune, soaking in the brilliance of creation.

Goodnight

2010-03-06T21:26:00.001-05:00

Happiness is a

2010-03-05T11:29:00.007-05:00

To the woman who always comes in and uses the left corner computer:

Don't sigh so loud.

Every day, you come in and sit sighing. Everything seems to exasperate you. You punch each new key with frustrated force. Nothing can go right.
The sighs grow more desperate as the hours pass.

I'm this woman sometimes. I choose to visibly show my exasperation to others, or to no one. It's human, sure. But it can be controlled. What good is it to walk around like that. You're neither benefiting yourself or more importantly, others. I could make some faith tie into all of this, that God supplies this indispensable love we can grasp on to if we so choose at any moment. I do believe that with all of my being.
But even outside of that, to those who don't believe...what good is it doing? Are you doing any good by moping around? Are your sighs helping your situation any more?
I firmly believe that we have the choice to be happy or not. At any moment, we can choose to make the best out of our current state. I know this. I've had to do it myself, and I've seen others do the same. Unless you'd prefer to sit letting out exasperated sighs and bringing those around you down with you.

Stop complaining. Live. Take it all in. Take in all the brilliance and beauty that has flooded our world in between the bad. I assure you there is much more good than bad at work in our world. There is beauty in the breakdown...or lack thereof.

I am sitting listening to your sighs. I will smile at you when you leave.

Valley of the Giants - "Whaling Tale"...

2010-03-03T19:36:00.000-05:00

Soundtrack to my life from this point forward...

A Brief Texting History - 2/17/10

2010-02-27T16:43:00.005-05:00

all of this took place in a span of an hour

Austin- watching citizen kane AGAIN in an nku cinema studies class. that like 4 times now. I want to watch blue crush.

Alex- I liked Citizen Kane for the first twelve minutes and then I turned it off to watch 'over the hedge'

Austin- Deep focus cinematography was best used in Waterworld

Alex- I think that the allegorical tale told by 'when a stranger calls' exceeds anything western cinema has ever attempted

Austin- Montage editing was really revolutionized by eisenstein in his late classic 'overboard'

Alex- The undiscovered genius of tarkovsky really shows in his underground opus 'short circuit'

Austin- The South Korean new wave was initially sparked in the late 90s by 'A Goofy Movie'

Alex- German expressionism was originally the brain child of jay roach

Austin- mary pickford was so good in 'the hangover'

Alex- bertolucci impressed me with 'danny deckchair'

Austin- I was really surprised to see jean gabin doing the voice of the groom in 'the corpse bride'

Alex- and what about melissa mounds playing the piano in the beginning of mamma mia?

Austin- pure brilliance. but I much prefer pierce brosnan AS the piano in 'ray'

Alex- you have made a most excellent point my fellow. here, here. i'd nominate him for an award, however that would mean ousting john leguizamo from the 'best instrument; category. and we all know his performance as the trumpet in paul blart mall cop 2' was suberb and probably the only thing that's kept him from killing himself

Austin- john leguizamo is making a big cameo in 'step it up 4'! so excited! that is if he makes it that long

Alex- God knows. He lives with kevin james and terry gilliam now. they're all supposedly working on a reboot of wolfman.

Austin- wolfman? I heard is was 'Selena: the Resurrection'...with j lo

Alex- no no, you're thinking of 'aliyah vs. left-eye: the return'. The tagline is 'if at first you don't succeed...'

Come on Now...la de da da da

2010-02-26T11:50:00.008-05:00

I need to get out of here, man.

I feel like I'm in a constant limbo. I'm stuck between two thoughts. And I won't be making a decision anytime soon.
I find the beauty in all things, but it doesn't last outside the moment. But I'm still so grateful for that.

I'm in need of a shift in personality, some new force pushing into my deflated old mind. I'm not sure what has brought about this change. It's not exactly bad, but it's not good either. I'm sitting and watching the interaction between my fellow human beings, and internalizing none of it. I'm HAL and my hollow glass eye is switching back and forth between moving lips and unheard words.

I've been walking through hallways and feeling the texture of the paint on the wall against my dry hands. The limbo is clouding my mind, but my heart is secretly rejoicing. Sometimes, I wish my mind and my heart would get together and talk.

The first thought to travel up from my heart to my brain neurons is that "this too shall pass". And I honestly believe that. But when?
Until then, I will obey blindly to God's will. Praying to know that everything is in the hands of Love personified. Praying for guidance. And it has come, in small doses. May my heart not harden.
It won't.

As long as this exists in the world, I can be happy. Seriously, I mean that. This is like instant gratification to me, hah. Music is so beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUTmDZX2aZg

Utah.

2010-02-26T08:59:00.001-05:00

Utah. from Austin Dressman on Vimeo.

Gettin' all religious up in hurrr...

2010-02-24T08:50:00.004-05:00

1 Nephi 5

Lehi rejoices as his sons return alive and with the brass records God commanded they retrieve from Jerusalem. He immediately offers sacrifices to God and almost immediately begins to read through this newly acquired scripture. Within the brass plates are the 5 books of Moses, a history of Lehi's family. He soon realizes he's a descendant of Joseph, son of Jacob, sold into slavery in Egypt. How amazing would that have been to find something like that out for the first time? These records would serve as a history and religious knowledge to the Nephite people in the years to come.
The Mulekite people, who were led out of Jerusalem 11 years after Lehi, were highly favored by God and seemed to be on the same path as Lehi and his family. But they did not have any brass records. They soon dwindled into apostasy and unbelief and lost their language, civilization, and religion (Omni 14-18). This is why these brass plates are so important and ultimately why scriptures mean so much for us.

All of this makes me so thankful for God trusting Joseph Smith, as well as the present human race, with the restored Gospel. Essentially, the Lord is doing the same thing as He did with Lehi. The Book of Mormon is our record, our history. Not only did God want to set up His true, restored church on earth, He wanted us to know truth for ourselves.
It makes me wonder if God will do anything similar to this in later years...
Though at the same time, it's silly to think this because God gives divine revelation to a modern day prophet. So if there ever was to be some big divine revelation, it would come through His living, breathing church.

That is such an amazing comfort to me.

untitled thought

2010-02-22T10:17:00.002-05:00

"What joy! what wonder! what amazement! While the world was racked and distracted—while millions were groping as the blind for the wall, and while all men were resting upon uncertainty, as a general mass, our eyes beheld, our ears heard, as in the ‘blaze of day’; yes, more—above the glitter of the May sunbeam, which then shed its brilliancy over the face of nature! Then his voice, though mild, pierced to the center, and his words, ‘I am thy fellow-servant,’ dispelled every fear. We listened, we gazed, we admired! ’Twas the voice of an angel from glory, ’twas a message from the Most High! And as we heard we rejoiced, while His love enkindled upon our souls, and we were wrapped in the vision of the Almighty! Where was room for doubt? Nowhere; uncertainty had fled, doubt had sunk no more to rise, while fiction and deception had fled forever!"
-Oliver Cowdery

I read this yesterday and felt such a strong connection to it. I felt as though I had felt it before, I had lived the words Cowdery speaks of. I may not have seen with my eyes, the grandeur and brilliance of a vision, but I have felt with my heart and soul, the same love and desires of God. It is a peace above all peace, a sagacity above all wisdom.

It confounds my mind but relieves my soul.

The Red Shoes

2010-02-20T20:14:00.003-05:00

One of the most beautiful movies I've seen, from the score to the screenplay to the production...

The whole film is as if it were an elaborate ballet production, the screen acting as the stage. The Red Shoes was so far ahead of its time.

"One day when I'm old, I want some lovely young girl to say to me, "Tell me, where in your long life, Mr. Caster, were you most happy?" And I shall say, 'Well, my dear, I never knew the exact place. It was somewhere on the Mediterranean. I was with Victoria Page." "What?" she will say. "Do you mean the famous dancer?" I will nod. "Yes, my dear, I do. Then she was quite young, comparatively unspoiled. We were, I remember, very much in love."

TODAY IS THE DAY

2010-02-19T11:30:00.006-05:00

I forget how much of a Scorsese nerd I really am until he releases a new movie. That man made me love film. I remember watching Goodfellas and Taxi Driver and realizing just how powerful film was as an artistic medium.
Shutter Island. Today. I am seeing it. YEEESSSSS.

this guy edits together the best director tributes...
http://bennettmedia.blogspot.com/2008/10/films-of-martin-scorsese.html

Thought

2010-02-17T13:27:00.003-05:00

When people say someone "found God", I think it sounds utterly pointless. It's not some treasure hunt.
God has been there all along. They simply chose to finally recognize the presence.

velhice.

2010-02-16T10:36:00.001-05:00

velhice.
Originally uploaded by .JpBrito

Hands are the outward representations of our souls.
They express our feelings.
They carry out our actions.
They send messages previously unspoken

We use them to seal an agreement.
We use them to gesture towards a greater answer.

Hands are the instruments of hate.
Balled up, they create chaos.
Hands are the instruments of love.
Together, they become one.

Two hands together in one
One texture against another
Reminding us that we're alive
We're alive.

the sky has the answer to every question

2010-02-14T23:40:00.003-05:00

Dorm Window from Austin Dressman on Vimeo.

this is kinda crap (as a video). but you get the idea. the sky was beautiful.

The Saturday Late Shift

2010-02-13T17:15:00.004-05:00

I sit staring at the clock on my work phone. In approximately 2 minutes the library will close. I always try to time in my head when the final announcement will be made.

There is a certain atmosphere created after all of the librarians lock up and leave.
The lights to all 5 floors are suddenly cut off, the librarians hand dropping from the one switch that controls it all.
It is a feast for my ears.
For a split second, the library reaches dead silence. If you listen closely, it sounds like the world stops spinning.
But almost immediately this silence gives way to the teeming activity of the after-hours. I hear the hundreds of fluorescent lights crackle and expand. The heat that once illuminated them is gone and they are forced to go back to their original reposed contortions.
In between the crackling I hear the night janitor begin his rounds on the first floor. The side door he comes in through slams and sends an echo through the open middle from the first floor to the top glass skylight. Sometimes I can even hear the many keys he holds brushing up against his leg.
My attention moves from these intricate noises to the bold orange sunset against the glass siding of the science building across campus. I get up and walk to the window, no shoes, half-eaten apple in hand and I take in the vibrance of the color.
I can't see the sunset but I can see its reflection. I stand admiring the image and the noises from the shuttering library walls. It reminds me once again that I'm not alone. The peace that is already in my heart is only reassured.

I got baptized today in to a Church where I have found true peace and happiness. This week made me realize that we can find joy in any situation put before us, good or bad. I think back to today, one of the best days of my life. My head about to go under the water, my eyes shut tight, the smiles of my family and friends sitting in front of the fount, Brother Lord preparing to say the blessing...a smile reached across my face and then I was under. I stand replaying the beautiful moments, the covenant I've made with my Savior, and the life I have ahead of me.

The reflection of a brilliant sunset slowly sets in the western sky.

Golden Age

2010-02-10T11:06:00.004-05:00

So I've officially decided that my style of filmmaking...or rather the way I like to hold a video camera is that of old British 60s Music Programs. I don't know if that's weird to say. I just love the movement, the saturation, and that attention to production design. They are so over-produced and it seems like some golden moment in time that could have never actually happened. There's a certain eerie materialism to it all too.

Notes from an Airport Pt. 2

2010-02-08T08:32:00.008-05:00

A collection of stuff I wrote down through my recent trip to Utah...

I am caught up by the words, "And it came to pass"
The phrase is so widely used in scripture to start thoughts and transition between verses. Normally I just skim past it. But I realized that there is so much more meaning behind it.

It's simplicity reminds us that all things pass. Nothing is permanent unless we choose to make it seem that way. God extends His loving hands for us to use as both an anchor and a sail.
_____________________

A slim Asian man purrs and coos, his crying daughter resting against his shoulder. Her small hands wrap around his neck and meet at the foot of his balding head.
He is eternally patient, reassuring his restless child with a steady hand and fluid rocking motion. The window reflects a plane lifting off the runway from the other side of the terminal. He watches it glide softly through the air as the baby's cries subside.
_____________________

"When I was a child, my grandmother told me that the sky speaks to those who look and listen to it. She said, 'In the sky, there are always answers and explanations for everything; every pain, every suffering, joy, and confusion.' That night I wanted the sky to talk to me."
A Long Way Gone by Ishmael Beah
_____________________

Ether 2: 24
"For behold, ye shall be as a whale in the midst of the sea; for the mountain waves shall dash upon you. Nevertheless, I will bring you up again out of the depths of the sea; for the winds have gone forth out of my mouth, and also the drains and the floods have I sent forth."
-So much beauty...
Anchor and sail.
_____________________

I push my eye lids together with unrelenting force as the plane begins its climb into the sky. "Be Still, My Soul" rings clear above the boom of the engine. I open my eyes to see illuminated cityscapes. There is a patchwork quilt of crisscrossing streets and newly paved parking lots. The stars cry out in unison to an empty night sky and my mind can relate.
Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
A fierce winter storm throws punches on both sides of the plane. My eyes can't focus on the world below with the constant turbulence-the cityscapes become long exposure light trails as my head bobs against the plastic window.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
My heart leaps at the thought. My mind is no longer running. I close my eyes and see God's arm outstretched from the heavens. Worldy thoughts and desires fall with the heavy snow outside. I am with my Savior, limp in his eternal arms, my head resting on his shoulder.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

My eyes open and I see.

Drawn out Metaphor

2010-02-06T11:34:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm probably taking this metaphor way too far. But think of it in the context of "Love".

I build elaborate sandcastles only to have waves knock them down.
I put so much of myself into it only to see it washed away within seconds.

But the joy is in the process. It's the building, figuring out the design. You're on your toes, anticipating the waves by building temporary blockades. And when that ultimate wave hits, you're left in utter despair, wondering if it was even worth building in the first place. Why spend so much time, so many tireless hours to have it debilitated in seconds?

But sometimes, you manage to create something beautiful that lasts. It's far enough away from the rising tide. It makes all of the previous attempts seem all worthwhile.
I thought I'd found it, maybe I have, maybe I haven't.

For now, I'm still frivolously building, trying to keep the waves out, trying to appreciate the process.

I'm not giving up that easy.

Sunny D

2010-02-04T16:53:00.004-05:00

There is a certain peace

In walking side by side with someone you admire

My heart isn't leaping, my mind isn't racing,

My whole being simply acknowledges the missing puzzle piece I've just acquired.

Notes on a Reverie

2010-02-02T07:53:00.004-05:00

Quantic beats vibrate the dull fabric. Horns blare from all sides and I cannot tell if they are from passing cars or the speakers. Pure joy exudes from every pore as I haphazardly dance within the constraints of the drivers seat. The wheel is my bongo drum, the sides of my legs the snare. I notice my foot is lead and as I ease off the gas. The music flows through every inch of my being. I can hear every individual note and the chills flow down my spine. I scream and yelp and indulge in every raw feeling that surfaces.
Are human beings capable of living in such ecstasy at will? The ground as my witness, I've been through difficult times. But there are certain switches I can flip at any time and I'm floating above. For as long as I remember, even before I recognized myself as a person of faith, I attributed this raw passion to God. How else could my mind and body synchronize so perfectly with a given moment without divine creation? It's one of my strongest testimonies.

And now Quantic's Descarga! mix illuminates the lightposts I travel under. The vibration pulses and the horns blare and the percussion is in sync with my hands. Thoughts of her fly between the passing cars and exit ramps.

Music is a religious experience.

Joel Alme

2010-01-31T19:40:00.005-05:00

Joel Alme is one of the most amazing musicians I've heard in a long time. I feel like I'm always on this music binge, always downloading something. But this one made me stop and listen on repeat. This guy is so talented. Look him up!

myspace.com/joelalme

I'm calling it, Joel Alme's "Waiting for the Bells" is the best new album of 2010.

2010-01-28T08:30:00.002-05:00

OK Go will never stop being fun to listen to.

And it's unwritten law that they must always make great music videos.

OK Go - This Too Shall Pass from OK Go on Vimeo.

Today I walked to work under a sky of bright oranges and deep amber gold.
Today is a good day.

Looking Into the Past: Thomas Circle, Washington, DC

2010-01-27T11:22:00.002-05:00

Looking Into the Past: Thomas Circle, Washington, DC
Originally uploaded by jasonepowell

Birthdays are always just so underwhelming for me. I guess I just don't really care about it. Ha, I mean it didn't even register to me that my birthday was coming up until last Friday.

20.

That's weird. It doesn't feel like I'm twenty. I've officially left behind my teen years. I don't know if I'll ever fully grasp that, but then again I'm only a few hours in to "adulthood".

Someone phrased it today like this: "you're half of forty now!"
That's even weirder to think about.

This birthday has forced me to look back. I mean I am entering my 20s. That's scary to me. I can't just make promises to myself of things I'll do someday, dreams I'm sure I'll achieve, places I'll somehow end up in...I have to start being that change. And its daunting.
A 19 year old can dream, and let those dreams envelop his inner-most passions and desires. But a 20 year old must act on those passions. He must channel those dreams into motivation.
It's one of my greatest weaknesses, I feel. It's so easy to say and think these things, but it's an even greater challenge to act.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Nothing can touch me.
Nothing.

2010-01-22T09:25:00.002-05:00

Her eyes scanned the metallic door frames for a reason to turn back.
The spring-back woosh the doors make when someone walks in front of them cloud her mind from further thought. Suitcase in tow, she blindly goes where so many have gone before.

The illuminated flight numbers leave light shadows under her eyes. What would set her apart? How would she change anything?

The PA murmurs a flight change that echos against every wall in the terminal. It finds its way back to her ears and her eyes flicker with hopeful anticipation. The echo never seems to end as it dissolves into the masses of travelers.
Looking past the masses, a slow but steady best foot forward, she is taken aback by movement. She reels in her insecurities with the snap of the suitcase handle and lets the moving track take her to her destination.

Beauty

2010-01-21T08:58:00.004-05:00

What makes war photography so beautiful is its ability to freeze a moment in time forever. "Well isn't that what a picture is anyways?" you may ask. It is. But with war photography, I've found that there is a certain peace in the ability to stop one particular moment in war. It's an ability to look at this moment with discerning human eyes. I've never been in the midst of war, but from what I've seen, you're not exactly given time to stop and process the inhumanity, or as some would argue, the humanity, of it all.

It is our duty to see pictures like these, to know the plights of our fellow human beings in different parts of the world. This photography inspires, and brings about change in the world.
War photography lets us take these dramatic/traumatic moments in time and analyze them in stillness. Whether they are viewed from a grainy computer screen, a print newspaper, or in a studio gallery, this isolation of time and space sharply contrasts the tragedies of war with our mundane lives. Figuratively, it stops the war for a short moment. Beauty can be found in this peace.
It's not tragedy for the sake of beauty, it's finding beauty in the tragedy.

Photo by Jehad Nga

Buck up – never say die. We’ll get along.

2010-01-20T11:41:00.007-05:00

I found an old review I wrote back in high school of Modern Times. I used to write an essay for every single movie I saw back in high school, just for the fun of it. I kind of miss doing it honestly. But I don't know if I would have the time (or will power) to do it now.
I just love Chaplin. He truly is one of my greatest inspirations. I'd even go as far to say he's my hero (corny, I know). Over the last couple weeks, I've watched Modern Times two times (once over the break and once in a class), and each time I found something new I wanted to write about. So here's a throwback, I wrote a new essay on the movie, as inspired by my old high school review. I'm only posting this for posterity...I don't expect anyone to read it.

In the wake of a sound revolution in Hollywood, Charlie Chaplin was hard-pressed to drop his traditional silent act of the “little tramp”. From the character’s debut in the 1914 Keystone short Kid Auto Races at Venice up to The Great Dictator in 1940, Chaplin made biting satire and physical comedy a benchmark of his silent cinema. With there being no language barrier, Chaplin was seen across the world. So when sound came around, it’s easy to see why he was so hesitant to completely give himself over to making a full “talkie”. In making Modern Times, he even went so far as to film an entire scene with dialogue between characters only to decide he only wanted to make a partial talkie. By the film’s 1936 release, sound had been used in films for nearly a decade. Chaplin took a great risk in testing the relevancy of his silent persona. Later on in his career, well after Chaplin’s “little tramp” years, he said, “I was wrong to kill him. There was room for the Little Man in the atomic age. Modern Times ended up becoming one of Chaplin’s most beloved films.

The reason why Modern Times works so well is because the character of the tramp is such a timeless character. He easily fits into just about any time period of culture you set him in. The Tramp represents the oblivious bewilderment of an ever-changing society as well as those left in its unforgiving wake. Chaplin fine tunes this character as he sets him against an industrial man vs. machine society, radical political revolution, urban poverty, and other issues of the day. All this can be found wrapped in a light-hearted comedy. Chaplin always jumped on the opportunity to push serious issues of the day into a light where they could be laughed at and made manageable – this is his greatest accomplishment as a comedian and filmmaker.

Modern Times explores many social and technological changes and their effects on mankind. Many times in the film, we see characters reactions and behaviors towards this new foreign industrial society. Man is slowly becoming machine, and those who refuse to let this happen are usually in between jobs and living in poverty (the gamin). These psychological issues are often explored in Chaplin films. Chaplin dealt with psychological issues from a young age. In his teenage years, Chaplin’s mother suffered from mental illness and was in and out of mental hospitals. Chaplin explores similar issues in Modern Times. He takes on the idea of "bucking up". I think it would be safe to say that Chaplin would be of the belief that you can find humor or entertainment in just about any experience, whether it be good or bad. It's a very admirable notion set in a time when many were still living Great Depression-era lifestyles.
I find it fascinating how often we witness characters breaking down. No matter their role in the film, they are effected by this unforgiving man vs. machine society. The antagonist, a big burly man the Tramp worked with in the factory makes another appearance in the film when he and few other men break in to the department store the Tramp is working in. He breaks down crying claiming he is hungry, only looking for some food. The Gamin has moments of despair living in poverty throughout the film but has her big break down at the end after she and the Tramp have fled from the police. All throughout, Chaplin’s Tramp gives reassurance to the characters, and the audience. He leans over to her and says, “Buck up – never say die. We’ll get along.” She glances over at a grinning Chaplin and manages to pull out a smile from beneath the tears.

Ella

2010-01-19T08:43:00.003-05:00

My mood could best be described as...

I think it's absolutely wonderful that we have the ability to take such great joy in such small details. I could be having the worst day ever but I can still revel in the beauty that is Ella Fitzgerald's voice. Seriously, listen to that woman sing and tell me everything isn't going to turn out well?
Life is neither good nor bad. It's only how we perceive it on a moment to moment basis.

Wake Up

2010-01-16T16:10:00.000-05:00

Melancholy is waking up numb to the world.
Beauty is almost immediately falling in love with it again.

God is good.

Heaven Help Us All

2010-01-14T22:53:00.003-05:00

I am so much like the Nephites it scares me.

I so easily forget the works of God in my life. I recognize and appreciate them at first, inspired by this revelation from God. But then just as quickly, I am swayed to questioning even His existence. Then God makes himself known once more and I am repentant. Then I deny him again.

The process repeats itself over and over.

I will say that I take comfort in the fact that I know I am not perfect, I am human, I sin. But it still amazes me at just how unappreciative I can be sometimes, how easily I forget the beauty and truth.

one of my favorite live videos of Mr. Charles

Oh, and I'm going to try this new thing where I change my blog header picture almost every time I post a new blog. So right now, I'm using a picture of my wife from another life, Paulette Goddard.

Patience is a Virtue

2010-01-14T08:14:00.002-05:00

I feel like I have 200 things I want to say, but I can only say a few of them.
I feel like I feel that way a lot.

I have all this stuff bottled up, all of these things that I would absolutely LOVE to be outspoken about but "common sense" and "patience" tell me otherwise. See, I have this way of thinking and communicating where I just want to let everyone in on my "secret" passions and desires. I guess I just trust everyone. Everyone is worthy to hear about them. Not saying you'd particularly want to...
But do you ever have times like that? Because not only do I feel like that all of the time, I also feel like no one else experiences this. Which obviously, is false, but it feels that way.
I feel like I give too much of myself to people sometimes. Maybe it would mean more if I stretched it out over time? I don't know.

All of my classes are going well. An online gen ed (Diseases and the Systems They Affect), Cinema Studies (US), Arabic, Single Cam, and a stupid math class.
The only two I'm actually excited about are Cinema Studies and Arabic. Arabic, because I can't wait to learn more, and the teacher isn't too bad to look at. She's this cute Tunisian with this amazing passion to teach us all. Maybe I can get some...EXTRA credit yeah? yeah????
Anyways, Cinema Studies will be good because we're writing papers about the movies we watch, like all the other cinema studies courses I've taken. So that's fun.

I'm just looking forward to this semester to be over. I'm sure it will be fun, and I'll get a lot out of it. But really, if April was here already, I wouldn't be upset.

Haiti

2010-01-13T21:22:00.004-05:00

Donate. But most of all, Pray.

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/01/earthquake_in_haiti.html

http://blogs.reuters.com/global/2010/01/13/haiti-earthquake-live-coverage/